The unofficial guide to "Guid-ism"

Tonight may be better than Christmas. Tonight, the critically acclaimed, sacred media darling that is "Jersey Shore” returns to airwaves after months of agonizing waiting.

When the show first hit the airwaves back in 2009, it was clear to everyone that the eccentric cast would soon be the role models of this generation. The cast members' impeccable style and social skills launched them into the center of the entertainment industry as America's favorite Italian-Americans taught the rest of the country all about the New Jersey way of life. If you have ever thought to yourself, "Man, I could see myself living on the shore," then you are in for a treat. Never-before-seen cast members DJ Melo D and Huchie V are here to give you all the inside tips on how you can become just like your favorite guido or guidette. If you're a shore fan, then this is the place for you.

The Big Picture

The first thing that you must do as part of your shore-rebirth is create a nickname for yourself. If none of the various "Jersey Shore" name generators capture your essence, let your creativity take hold and come up with your own. Take a small chunk of your name and recombine it with single letters, acronyms or incorrect grammar to ensure that your new nickname really stands out when it's on the front page of all of the tabloids.

Next, become very friendly with your fists, because you'll need them for major fist pumping at the clubs and hitting people who make you mad. Fist pumping is also a subtle way to show off guns of steel. To avoid jiggling like jello, be ready to pump some iron all day, every day. But don't let your muscles go to waste - be contentious and punch everyone and everything. It is a way of defending your honor and standing up for yourself, skills that all first class Jersey Shoreans have.

A final piece of general advice is that you must buy either a jacuzzi or a pimped out bath tub. You need some kind of excuse if you want people to walk around your house in bathing suits. After all, good guidos and guidettes have mastered the art of subtlety.

Guidos

Alright guys, the one thing that you should know is that all guidos have one saying to live by: "GTL: Gym, Tan, Laundry." Work out daily - not only is it good for your health, but a ripped bod helps you pick up all the ladies. If your biceps aren't visible beneath a baggy shirt, get off the computer and hit the weights. To complement your mountainous pair of guns, washboard abs are a must. Lacking a six-pack? No worries, you can always pull a Robert Pattinson. If you're the artistic type go ahead and draw some on, but be sure to blend the marker lines with some foundation or smudge them with your fingers - you don't want to be too obvious.

Next, always be ready to bronze up. Although tanning is most easily done in the summer, you can never underestimate the power of indoor tanning salons. Sure, it may put a strain on your buck since Obama put that insane tax on tanning due to the "warnings" about the cancer it can cause, but by the time you get cancer you'll be too old to party anyways.

Finally the "L" - you must know how to do laundry. If you don't have this skill down yet, you better call your mom as soon as possible and get it under your belt. After a hard day at the gym and a good 30-minute (at least) tanning session, it is important to have clean clothes that you can wear out to the clubs.

The final thing you need to be a true guido is perfect hair. Go out and splurge on gel, mousse or whatever it is that you need to make sure that your hair is three inches tall at all times. Then stick your head in front of a fan. Can you see your hair flapping? If so, you better add more gel. Any good guido has hair that is unmoved by wind. Otherwise, congratulations, you have completed your transformation and are ready to hit the shore!

Guidettes

Every girl has an inner guidette. Some just need a little help taking that from the inside and translating it to the out. But never fear, we are here to give you the tips on how to let loose your natural fierceness.

There is one Jersey girl who you should look up to, and her name is Snooki. There is a reason why she was a top hit Halloween costume this year: she's in and she's here to stay. Snooki knows the importance of rocking a pair of rhinestone sunglasses and maintaining a quality tan. Her oompa-loompa, orange skin is tanned to perfection, comparable to the color of burnt toast with orange jelly.

Another must that Snooki exemplifies is the classic hair poof. To impress the guidos, you must keep your hair just as high as theirs, if not higher. The secret to Snooki's success? Volume, and lots of it. If your hair is too limp to achieve the natural poof, try a Bump-It! In case these pieces of bent plastic can't cut it, shove a half-pint water bottle in your hair and shape around that to achieve the sky-high Snooki poof.

If you think that looks are all it takes to pull off the guidette life, think again. All guidettes have inner fierceness, and we're not just talking about in fashion. Real Jersey girls know how to pick a fight with their housemates anytime, anywhere. If you're a beginner, develop some sort of schedule to keep track of girls you have already fought and ones you have yet to fight. That way, you'll get around to everyone without ever being out of rotation, and the schedule will come in handy when you're brain dead after too much partying.

Hit the shore!

All in all, guidos and guidettes must know how to stay fresh and famous, regardless of whatever shore they're on. Whether you're partying in Miami or on the usual Jersey shore, GTL, gather large fist pumping crews and do anything else it takes to be seen. If that means poofing your hair up to the size of a hot air balloon, then by all means, poof away. But if all else fails, just remember to keep it classy.