SCOperation stardom

2010. Finally, we can kick a not-so-fine 2009 out the door to begin anew. But how? Should we make resolutions to exercise more, eat less or improve study skills? Here at Silver Chips Online, we are tired of resolutions left unresolved year after year.

Our resolution: to be famous. In 2009, some very crazy people got big attention for doing some very crazy things, and following their lead helps guide us on a quest to achieve our 15 minutes of fame. Without further ado, read our no-fail guide to finding your inner superstar.

1. Falcon Heene aka "balloon boy"

Named one of TIME Magazine's best movies of 2009, Pixar's "Up" gives us inspiration to defy gravity - and follow on the heels of "balloon boy." On Oct. 15, parents of six-year-old Falcon Heene informed the press that Falcon floated away in a homemade helium balloon. The incident caused widespread panic, including ground and aerial pursuit by Colorado police.

Such attention is perfect for fulfilling our resolution. Grab a balloon of your favorite color, and during the transition from 5A to 5B lunch in the middle of Blair Boulevard, let go of the balloon, screaming that your pet hamster is inside. Point to the balloon, indicating the ball of cotton inside to be poor Hamtaro. Latch on to security guards and passing Blazers to help your cause. In no time, you'll be known around Blair as "hamster-balloon kid," truly unique recognition.

2. Kanye West

After the 2009 Video Music Awards (VMAs), U.S. culture was forever changed. During the VMAs, West interrupted country star Taylor Swift as she gave an acceptance speech for the Best Music Video award. "I'mma let you finish…," West slurred, "but Beyonce has one of the best videos of all time!" True, West was pretty rude, and true, West was pretty mean, but he did get our attention and as a result, became more famous. In our books, any press is good press.

We can start small. When InfoFlow begins, step in front of the T.V. and yell, "I'mma let you finish." When Ms. Fus comes on the announcements, point overhead at the speaker and yell, "I'mma let you finish." When you don't approve of your teacher's opinions or lesson plans, you know the magic words. While people may be angry at you for your outlandish behavior, remember, you are one step closer to earning fame as the most annoying Blazer in Blair history.

3. Tiger Woods

Woods's involvement with nine (and counting…) mistresses was shocking, especially since Woods was one of the few admirable sports stars fans could look up to. Although we can take a moment to mourn the loss of another sports hero, we should also take heed of the mass recognition Woods received - the unrelenting reporting, coverage and paparazzi coverage of his home - and use it to achieve our own celebrity status.

We, at Silver Chips Online, do not promote promiscuity. However, we do encourage staging a scene to the magnitude of Woods's car crash, which started the whirlwind of media attention. Allegedly, Woods accidentally crashed his car into his neighbor's tree because he was fleeing his wife who had discovered his infidelity. To all the Blair athletes out there, our dramatic ploy is perfect for you. All you need a lady or guy friend as your accomplice.

In the student parking lot, drive slowly and bump into the curb, making sure to stop all traffic behind you. After giving a signal to your friend, have him or her charge at your car angrily, while menacingly holding a golf club, stick, light saber or instrument of preference. Your friend will scream about your nine lovers, and as a result, Blazers and security guards alike will be awed by your famous exploits. When the incident is over, refuse to talk to anyone to create an aura of mystique. And if you happen to get suspended because of this drama, simply explain to your parents that it was all in the name of becoming famous. They will surely understand.

4. David Letterman

On the night of Oct. 1, Letterman told his audiences that he had been involved with several women at work. Again, we at Silver Chips Online, are an honorable bunch and do not encourage affairs. However, we do like where Letterman is going with public announcements.

One day, bribe BNC camera crew, and begin divulging all your secrets on air. Yes, it was you who was skipping in the third-floor bathrooms, causing security guards to lock the bathrooms. Alas, it is true - you are at the root of the current shortage of paper towels in both the boys and girls' bathrooms since at home, you are building a floatable balloon out of paper towels. Instant celebrity status achieved.

Despite the economic recession, 2009 has been so good to give us models we can follow to accomplish our New Year's resolution. Octomom and Jon and Kate Gosselin compel us to grab eight of our little cousins, and start a reality show. "American Idol" runner-up (should have been the winner…I am not biased) Adam Lambert shows us that being risqué gets notice. Hopefully, 2010 will bring us just as many unique individuals to emulate.

But for now, I'm happy to achieve fame by marrying a Jonas Brother. Nick or Joe, my number's in the directory.

Editor's note: Readers should note that Silver Chips Online does not encourage or condone any of the outlandish behavior presented in this story. You're on your own if you decide to go through with your quest for glory and fame - but do let us know how it goes.