Rules of life

Life is not fair. William Goldman, author of "The Princess Bride," made this case to the world in the novel that exposes just how unfair life can really be. For the purpose of saving others time, money and weasels, I have compiled a list of tips; the do's and don'ts of life. I am under the assumption that the reader already knows about the dangers of bringing a knife to a gunfight (thank you Mr. Connery), so I'll skip that pointer and move on to the lesser known hints to living a fulfilling life without regrets.

Tip One, the most crucial of them all. Never trust your parents, even if they tell you that rubbing a peach against your check will release the Peach Genie that will grant you any three wishes. It is not true. The only thing that actually happens is an intense burning sensation in the afore mentioned area and learning reinforcement on how to use a dictionary when you look up the word "gullible."

Tip two is handy for all humans who value their fingers. Do not bite people, because as I learned quickly from my father, people have a tendency to bite back. My family and I used this concept to train our cat, which has been a spectacular success. If he hits us without claws, we hit him back with our hand. If he hits us with claws we can bust out the brass knuckles.

Tip three: functional internet makes for a happy family. This, like most things I had to learn, I learned the hard way when for a span of six months my family had no internet. No Google, no Ebay, no Ebaums World, no Facebook, no nothing. Yet we continued to pay $ 40.99 a month to receive no internet from our provider.

Tip four, for a prosperous life: "Lost" always wins screen time. Homework, sleep deprivation and an imminent apocalypse are flimsy and unacceptable excuses for not watching Josh Halloway on a desert island without a shirt. Under no circumstances should anything besides "Lost" be watched even if it is a rerun that was bad the first time you watched it. "Lost" has never had a bad episode.

Tip five (also pretty important for Blazers who are fond of their lives): Do not eat the rat poisoning in the basement even if it looks like delicious cheese that ought not be underneath a chair in the furthest corner of the cellar. For the forgetful I've created a mantra similar to the mantra from "Finding Nemo" ("fish are friends, not food"). Quite simply it is "do not eat rat poisoning that you find in the corner of the basement under a chair or else you will end up in the hospital with a tube down your throat." Pretty simple, ehh?

Tip six: Never write anything important on a piece of paper. After all, what are arms for? If you need to write something down (e.g. note, essay, Latin conjugations), just grab a sharpie or some lipstick and start scribbling. This foolproof plan will ensure that all important messages are seen because of the colored trail of peach passion that rubs off on everything you touch. Plus, if you lose the messages, through the loss of your arm, you have bigger things to worry about than burning your friend a copy of your Elton John CD. Besides, friends don't let friends listen to Elton John.

Tip seven, on poison ivy. It is a terrible idea to rub your arms with the leaf that results in a contagious rash in an attempt to prove that you are not allergic to poison ivy. As far as I'm concerned everybody that has ever existed and everybody that has yet to exist is allergic to poison ivy, except for Chuck Norris, because he isn't human.

Tip eight: Choose your college wisely. It is unnecessary to move to the land of the Canucks where every other word is "eh" in order to receive a good education. Especially if you intend to major in American history.

Tip nine, on appropriate behavior while watching a movie. My simple (albeit crude) advice is to buy duct tape. This is the only way to ensure that none of your friends hire a hit-man because of your "I-still-think-that-the-little-girl-should-have-been-shot" remark at the end of "Crash." Your other alternative is to hire yourself a decent bodyguard to take the bullets for you. Duct tape is cheaper.

After extensive thought, better known as an episode of "Lost," I've reconsidered my strict no Elton John rule. The only Elton John song that can be listened to is "Can You Feel the Love Tonight." This policy will be deemed null and void if anyone, including Elton John, sings along to it. If the rule is nullified rabid monkeys with water pistol filled with acid will be set loose on the singer.

Watch your back Elton.