Ask Chips: number four

Answers compiled by Vivek Chellappa, Jeffrey Dunn, Allison Elvove, Ely Portillo and Katherine Zhang.

t h e r a p i s t  asks: "Who chooses the team of Ask Chips to answer these questions?  Can anyone apply to the job?"

The crew consists of a highly-respected assortment of professionals who have a vast knowledge in mathematics, in love, in dragons (see below), and of course, in answering stupid questions created by people who have way too much time on their hands.  This team of five renowned seniors spends at least 1.5 hours a day dedicated to researching answers and literally at least six a day staring fixedly at the computer to gain a greater understanding of our readers.  (We have found stalking to be too time consuming, but with our technical team, we can access all of your BEN accounts!).  Now to answer the second part of the question.  Not anyone can apply because A) The position is filled already and will not be available for a good, solid year.  Get used to it. B) No one can beat the awesomeness that makes up this united staff. Not even you. C) If we let you apply, we'd have to find out where you live...Oh wait.  We already do.  We know everything...

Neil asks: "Why can't I be as cool as Wolverine?"

Well Neil, Wolverine is a genetic mutant with a super healing factor, adamantium skeleton and retractable claws that can cut through anything. I think the answer to your question is pretty obvious.

Have a question asks: "As we know the football team isn't doing so great. People don't have much pride in their school. To keep school pride up why don't you just report that they won? Don't worry, people aren't smart enough to look in another newspaper, since we know you're so much smarter and better than those other imitating papers like the Washington Post."

After a quick editors meeting, we decided that you are completely right. From now on we will report that Blair wins every game. We've updated our sports page to reflect this too. Check it out here!

Concerned relative asks: "Will the itsy-bitsy spider ever learn?"

The Silver Chips Online editors have decided that the more important question is "Will you ever learn?"  But just for humor's sake, we did manage to interview the spider, and it told us off the record that it's trying really hard not to climb up the spout but that that stupid childhood song is so engrained in its head that the poor little thing even dreams in riddles now.  Fantasy and reality have blended into one long nightmare of climbing up that water spout.  To give your own advice to the spider, please feel free to email it here.

Geroge W. Bush asks:  "Will I win?"

Oh, irony of ironies; the President of the United States himself finally writes into the great Ask Chips and spells his name "Geroge." Lemme give you some advice, Geroge. The liberal leftist media is going to pounce all over this once they discover you can't even spell your own name. That's gonna get ugly. Hit up the Hooked on Phonics quick, Geroge.

Proud to be a Democrat asks: "Bush for President?"

That is entirely up to you and your vote on November 2.  Now, if you're not eighteen, don't blame us.  We didn't decide when you were going to be born.  Bring that one up with your parents.

Whitman's Rock asks: "Why is Blair so much better than Whitman?"

Nobody knows why - we just are.

John F. Kerry writes: "Should I be for or against privatization of Social Security? I just can't decide!"

We're pretty sure you're against privatizing Social Security, but it would help if you stopped flip-flopping every three seconds! Haha, just kidding John. Don't worry, you're doing better than Geroge (see above).

Private Investigator asks: "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiago?"

Currently, Carmen is retired and living in Myrtle Beach, Florida. Police there are currently looking into the recent theft of the world's oldest senior living house.

stressed sophomore asks: "Anyone interested in doing my homework?  All applicants appreciated =)"

For one, unfortunately, the Ask Chips team is having enough of a time answering these hundreds of questions and so has no desire whatsoever to do your homework.  Besides, we enjoy our job - and we don't enjoy homework.  For two, we never said that Ask Chips was an outlet for people to advertise jobs outside of this forum.  We'll have to read your email in your BEN account now just for that and then spread embarrassing rumors about you (see first question).

kaizer asks: "Hey Chips, Can you draw a dragon? I want to see your skills of an artist."

A dragon? That's easy! Here at Silver Chips Online, we take pride in our artistic talent. Below, you will find Jeff's masterpiece, his very own rendition of a dragon.

If you're interested in creating your own dragon, please click here to learn how in a few simple steps.

Reader 2 asks: "I read the question by Reader, and I would like to ask if you know any good science fiction/fantasy novels?"

The obvious thing to do would be to direct you to the greatest fantasy stories of all time, the Harry Potter series.  Assuming that you've gone through those, however, here are a few suggestions.

First off is Caroline B. Cooney's Time series, a set of four novels about Annie Lockwood, a twenty-first century teenager who travels back in time to the Victorian era.  There, she meets the Stratton family, including heir to the family fortune, Hiram "Strat" Stratton, Jr.  The novels are a fun mix of the twenty-first and nineteenth centuries and include believable interactions between the teenagers of the two centuries.  Although the stories may seem more historical fiction at times than sci-fi, they're really a must-read.  Titles in the series are Both Sides of Time, Out of Time, Prisoner of Time and For All Time.

For more "serious" science fiction, we can only recommend the Dr. Who series, which our favorite copy editor seems quite keen on. Based on an old British television series, the books follow the adventures of a reincarnated doctor, who at one point wears a celery on his lapel, as he travels through time and space in a blue police box known as the TARDIS.  These books can be found in the science fiction section of any bookstore.

Just Wondering asks: "How many dumb questions like this one does Chips get?"

Well, let me give you a few examples:

Mr. Kwok asks: "Wanna play counterstrike? LOLOLOLOL"
Daze asks: "In Banjo-Kazooie, how come the area is called Gobi's Valley, when Gobi the camel doesn't seem to own/run it at all? All he does is just stand there by the plant waiting to a bird to stomp on his back, thereby watering the plant. That's not leadership. So why is it named after him?"
Senior guy asks: "Is their an equation for hotness?"

Athletes are nominated through a recommendation from beat writers who cover each team.  The final selection is made based on general consensus from the staff.

Love Chips! asks: "What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to Silver Chips"

According to sponsor John Mathwin, during the "cut and paste" days of high school journalism, when stories and pictures had to be manually pasted to sheets for printing, occasionally paper not glued properly could come loose.  Once, during the 80's an ad came unattached and covered up a story, and was published in all copies of the paper.

man in the yellow hat asks: "Is it true that teachers are taught not to erase the board with their feet planted because then their butt shakes and distracts students?"

Upon asking the question to the science department, the room exploded in controversy.  "My butt shakes everywhere," physics teacher James Schafer revealed to the room of teachers.  Chemistry teacher Summer Roark exclaimed that the very idea was ridiculous.  Schafer continued, "With both feet planted, my butt shakes in periodic motion."  "Rapid periodic motion," another teacher interjected.  So there you have it... with the science slant, although we don't think that teachers are taught that.