A wooden "Wicker Man"

Some thrillers are so intrinsically crafted and innately eerie, they rob their audiences out of a week's worth of sleep. Other less noteworthy ones at least creep viewers out a bit, perhaps with their intricate plotlines. But "The Wicker Man," with a stale execution of what could have been a decent storyline, accomplishes neither, making audiences feel cheated instead.

The film, a remake of the 1973 original and directed by Neil LaBute, opens with scenes of the seemingly typical workday of a sheriff named Edward Malus (Nicholas Cage). In a sudden accident, a truck collides head-on with a car Edward has pulled over, and a young girl is killed. The tragic incident follows Edward through the rest of the film.

Although in theory, the car accident would make for a thrilling introduction to the movie, in implementation, it is anything but exciting and even borderline ridiculous. The young girl and her mother, who should be screaming their heads off in the burning car, hardly utter a sound; Edward is also much too stoic, hardly changing his expression as he shifts from pulling the car over to trying to pull a child out of a vehicle as it goes up in flames.

Only when he is unable to save the girl and her mother does Edward reveal any emotions. Unfortunately, Cage's attempt to expose his character's inner turmoil comes in the form of slapping on one look that he wears for the remainder of the movie. With this melodramatic expression Edward mopes around, wishing he had saved the girl, and with this same expression he reacts to the news that the daughter of Willow (Kate Beahan), his former fiancé, has suddenly vanished.

Here, the real story picks up. Edward, hoping that although he failed to save one child, he might manage to rescue another, travels to Summersisle, the remote island where Willow lives, to investigate the disappearance of his ex's daughter.

Where the movie is supposed to get scary, it doesn't. While most thrillers take on a dark tint toward the meat of the story, in "The Wicker Man," most of the scenes are flooded with the sunny daylight of the island, and even those that take place at night are too well illuminated to scare even the jumpiest of viewers. The only remotely creepy thing about Summersisle is the way its inhabitants stare so intently at Edward, but even that can easily be ignored — or laughed at.

As Edward conducts his search for the missing child, Rowan (Erika-Shaye Gair) he acts at times too detached and other times too emotional for the viewer to feel moved. It's hard for the audience to feel sympathy for a guy who flashes his badge and interrogates people in a tough, city cop manner, yells at a classroom full of children ("You little liars!" he shouts at them) and pops pills in response to the slightest emotional discomfort. Plus, Edward's nightmares involving the child in the car accident get increasingly annoying, mainly because they occur every other second. As a result, the viewer feels detached — and bored — for much of the film.

What adds to the audience's feeling of sheer ennui is the fact that everyone on Summersisle pretends Rowan doesn't exist, an age-old tactic the mysterious strangers always employ in thrillers. However, the movie's portrayal of the island's pagan rituals — complete with human sacrifices — may spare the opinionated viewer of death by boredom.

Anyone in the audience who is pagan will no doubt find the "The Wicker Man" offensive, as Edward is quick to label the festivals inhumane and "wacko." The majority of viewers, however, will have already been pulled into slumber.

"The Wicker Man" (102 minutes, area theaters) is rated PG-13 for disturbing images and violence, language and thematic issues.