Gossip Girl: Pure, unadulterated garbage

The third entry for "trash" in the dictionary defines it as "empty words or ideas; worthless or offensive literary or artistic material." These words apply so perfectly to the newest installment in the trivial teen literary genre, Cecily Von Ziegesar's "Gossip Girl" series, that a picture of her first two novels could easily be substituted in place of any definition at all. The novels are sophomoric to the point of being infantile nonsense; their frivolousness is an affront to any educated person; the writing is both inept and immature; and they are absolutely addictive.

I want to warn anyone who is considering reading these novels not to open them under any circumstances, lest you end up like me: paralyzed in the face of adolescent needs and urges to hear nasty things about pretty girls. Ziegesar's novels,Gossip Girl and You Know You Love Me, more than succeed at their aim to ensnare teenage minds; they are tasteless, gossipy, and ridiculously interesting. Efforts to identify exactly what makes these poorly written soap operas so enthralling yield only one definite answer: Ziegesar is undeniably skilled at the art of building characters that are strangely realistic in an utterly unrealistic setting.

The introduction exemplifies just how outrageously exaggerated the setting is, with a statement from the anonymous "Gossip Girl", webmaster of a trashy website created for the sole purpose of gossiping, that her and her friends are filthy rich kids living in New York City with everything going for them and nothing better to do than to trash their neighbors and friends. Yes, sadly, that is the entire premise of the series: to follow the lives of a couple of spoiled teenagers for a few months each book.

Although Gossip Girl provides the opening statement, it is unclear whether she or an omnipresent narrator is telling the tales. The two novels focus on the lives of five main characters: Blair, Serena van der Woodsen, Nate, Jenny, and Dan. Interspersed excerpts from the incredibly irritating Gossip Girl's website show what other local kids are saying about the five main characters and often provide some small insight into otherwise undisclosed events in their lives. Each Gossip Girl section opens with a statement from her, proceeds with "dear Gossip Girl (GG)" style comments and questions from others, and concludes with a final GG statement.

Serena is probably the ultimate focus and easily the most fascinating character; she is a Barbie-style princess who remains inexplicably down-to-earth. She is also an ideal example of why Ziegesar is so skilled at characterization— Ziegesar avoids character clichés at all costs; instead of making Serena an evil you-know-what, she portrays Serena as a decent human being unwillingly gifted with more than her share of good looks. Thus, Serena, who could have been loathsomely perfect, actually seems to be an enjoyable person.

Serena has just returned from an exclusive European boarding school when Gossip Girl opens, and her surpassing beauty has somehow grown over her two years away. Blair, pretty but not-quite-Serena quality, had been Serena's best friend before her departure and is determined not to relinquish her newly gained status as "the girl" to old-time high school popularity champion Serena.

So Blair and a few unnecessary side characters ditch Serena out of jealousy, and Serena—beautiful, cool Serena—is left on the verge of tears. Blair's repulsion of Serena is cemented by her discovery that Serena, before departing for Europe, had slept with her long-time boyfriend Nate (another overpriveleged, overpretty rich kid).

It's all so unimportant, so gossipy, so… addictive. Above is only the most harmless of the gossip, the most basic detailing of the complex, 18th century European aristocracy-like politics that pervade the novels. The "shocking" betrayals and teenage intricacy spiral further and further in a cycle of increasing tastelessness as the storyline progresses into the second novel, You Know You Love Me.

I know I read it, and admittedly enjoyed it (to my own despair), but I can only offer one conclusion to these novels overflowing with garbage:

Dear GG:
Get a life.