'Tis the season for cheesy movies

For some, the holiday season evokes cozy images of family gatherings, warm meals and the joy of giving. Children eagerly await the holidays, and people everywhere are filled with inexplicable cheer.

Until they turn on the television and are assaulted by hundreds of saccharine holiday movies. The basic plot line is as follows: Some really stupid people run around doing really stupid things until they finally reach a really stupid conclusion filled with Christmas cheer. People rejoice, the audience gags and everyone goes on their merry way.

It's safe to say that holiday films peaked in 1946, with the beloved classic "It's a Wonderful Life." Now an American holiday tradition replayed on television non-stop from Thanksgiving to Christmas, it is a truly magical film. Holiday movies have just never been the same since George Bailey decided not to jump off the bridge in "It's a Wonderful Life." But if George had any idea what holiday films would become, he probably would have been better off at the bottom of the river. Holiday films as we know them today barely deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as such masterpieces, and with each corny joke and slapstick routine, they continue to sin against the legacy of the classics.

And so, behold: the top five sins of holiday films.

5. Dysfunctional families

Let's face it, for even the most "functional" among us, large family gatherings are nicer in theory than in practice. If Aunt Betty never got along with Cousin Joe, Christmas isn't going to change that, but it's the rare holiday party that is truly a disaster. Yet family squabbles are central to the modern holiday film, as if insulting each other is the only thing that families can do when they get together. Scriptwriters focus on these depressing traits of the American family, effectively caricaturing the worst in all of us into these films. From ugly sweaters to senility to pouting children, watching one of these films is like reliving every uncomfortable moment of your own family gatherings, which no one really wants to do. "Christmas Vacation" (1989) commits this sin in a big way, featuring a large and disastrous family Christmas. Chevy Chase, the father, is desperate to have a perfect holiday, laboring over decorations and plans. Yet he is foiled at every turn by his bickering relatives, bratty children and other disasters. But there is one thing that can be said: at least these films make our own families look good by comparison.

4. Decoration disasters

Everyone loves trimming the tree and hanging festive decorations, but leave it to holiday movies to turn nostalgic events into ridiculous and disastrous affairs. In "Christmas with the Kranks"(2004) viewers are forced to watch as Tim Allen, desperate for a Christmas tree at the last minute, tries to transport his neighbor's tree across the street, breaking most of the ornaments along the way. In "Christmas Vacation," Chase spends hours and gobs of money on what is supposed to be the perfect Christmas light design, only to have it fail because he doesn't flip the switch. Or there's Chase's Christmas tree, which catches on fire, but not before the cat who is chewing on the string of lights is electrocuted. That, ladies and gentlemen, is quality entertainment.

3. Nutra-sweet moments

Of course, no holiday film would be complete without a touching moment in which all the characters realize their flaws and share a group hug. Usually, the clumsy but well-meaning father embraces his wide-eyed, cute child as they celebrate in the knowledge of the true meaning of love and Christmas. Everyone loves one another, they laugh, they cry and they wait for the credits to roll. It would be touching if it weren't so disgusting.

2. Over-done slapstick

Every holiday film seems to base its humor entirely on physical comedy, dumbing the comedy down to grade-school level humor. There is no depth or actual wit involved in the writing of these scripts. Instead, films are stuffed to the gills with property damage and painful falls. Characters in holiday flicks are always causing significant destruction, whether it's to roofs, to stair railings, or to basic human dignity. Contrary to what scriptwriters seem to think, watching people severely hurt themselves and cause hundreds — even thousands — of dollars worth of damage hardly inspires holiday mirth. Especially painful are the moments of slapstick that viewers see coming like a slow motion train wreck the moronic characters never see coming.

1. Tim Allen

When it comes to Tim Allen, there is not much to say — he's just not funny. But for some inexplicable reason, he keeps popping up in Christmas films, like some kind of obnoxious elf who refuses to die. First he made "The Santa Clause" (1994), which should have ended it right there. There is no sane reason for Allen to be captured on film, except as Buzz Lightyear. He's not talented, and he's certainly not attractive. He should have retreated to his little unfunny world and left the rest of us to our eggnog. But that would have been too much to ask: Eight years later he popped up again in "The Santa Clause 2" (2002). Then he starred in "Christmas with the Kranks," quite easily the worst Christmas film ever made, although watching watch Allen dangle upside down on the edge of a roof in that film does make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. In 2006, the world of film will be graced with "The Santa Clause 3," much to the chagrin of anyone with half a brain and an ounce of dignity. Heaven help us all…

All in all, viewers might make better use of their time this holiday season. Instead of shelling out $10 a ticket for a terrible holiday movie, families could play board games, drink hot cocoa or snuggle by the fire, secure in the knowledge that Hollywood has nothing good or original to add to the holiday experience.