The tragedy of Whitman's rock

The birds are migrating back north, new flowers are budding, and Whitman and Blair are once again exchanging sharp words. Must be spring.

Whitman's Black and White recently published an article about an alleged Blair prank against Whitman's most sacred mascot. They assert that a group of Blair students defaced the oldest and most beautiful symbol of Whitman's football power - their giant rock.

Yes, that's right, in a horrible and twisted turn of events, the rock was covered in red and white B's. Thankfully, the Whitman community has come together to show their strength in this time of tragedy. Blair extends our most heartfelt, sincere and completely honest sympathy to Whitman - brave Vikings, you just won't be the same without your treasured rock.

We are all overjoyed to see how well Whitman is coping, however. According to the Black and White, most Whitman students don't care, denying that any rivalry exists between the schools. In fact, the Vikings care so little about Blair that they only wrote and published a 345 word article about how little they care, including a scientific survey showing the exact percentage of Whitman students who don't care.

"And really, no hard feelings, because we would rather spend our time, energy, and jingoism honing our SAT average to a crisp 1600," concludes Whitman's writer Eve Silver. Wow, it's great to know they have no competitive feelings towards Blair, or think they're superior to us. Way to take the high road.

Even so, I think it might be appropriate to help Whitman out a little more. Given that their cherished rock has been wrenched away from them, perhaps Blair could help replace it. We could ship Whitman one of our broken air chillers to sit in their stadium in place of the rock. Honestly Whitman, don't you think even that would be a better mascot than a rock?

Whitman Vikings, it looks like you do have your heart set on a rivalry with Blair (judging by the tone of your article). At least we can admit it. And yes, Whitman, you can keep your "dignity," as you seem so set on - although I don't know if you can without that all-important rock.

Read Whitman's story here.