The big cover-up

The consequences can be dire.

He lost consciousness after seeing an eye-catching underclassman saunter past his desk in a tank top. Her heart stopped after spotting her crush in an undershirt that revealed the result of arduous hours in the weight room.

The students at Blair have suffered enough. It is time to resort to the following overly modest proposal:

Under no circumstances should school administrators allow hats to protect students from the occasional bad hair day. I propose that any hat confiscated by an administrator be immediately sent to a cotton-shredding machine. After all, hats are a life-threatening hazard to the majority of the school, especially when worn on the head.

Regardless of cost, new uniforms should be distributed every spring
to avoid dress code infringements. Wool sweaters with built-in portable air conditioners and long, dark pants with pocket fans should be the uniform of choice for both genders.

Any clothing that exposes the midriff at all, even a tiny peep of the ghastly belly button, should be prohibited. To properly enforce the new dress code, students should have a reminder branded on the back of their IDs reading: "School is not Woodstock, an MTV Spring Break Special or the cover of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. You must wear our uniform. You must conform. No one is allowed to defy the norm."

Clothing that advertises the use of drugs, alcohol or sexual innuendo must be kept in its proper place: Hippyville. A shirt that visually represents any of the aforementioned evils will undoubtedly cause students to immediately become cigarette-smoking, drug-abusing, violence-inciting alcoholics.

Students who are persistent in their quest to disobey the dress code should be put on trial, where they will be judged and sentenced by a group of their underage peers. The opinionated, biased minds of these teenage jurors will determine the fate of the school's rebels. If found guilty, they will be sentenced to use the under-appreciated public transportation system for the remainder of their academic careers.

While this new and improved dress code will be instituted to prevent visual distractions in the classroom, a similar dress code should be implemented nationwide to prevent automobile accidents. If students cannot focus enough to pay attention to their instructors when a spaghetti-strapped girl passes by in class, the roads are certainly not safe when these students take to the streets. Just ask the nearest driving instructor.

Without a doubt, at Blair, skin is out. Wool is in.