Teachers propose building giant wooden horse

The recent proposal by a joint teacher-community committee to build a stone labyrinth in the open space outside the art wing on the Colesville Road side brings to mind many heretofore unasked questions about the nature of labyrinths, self-discovery, urban art projects and solipsism (whatever that means).

Astronomy teacher Leslie Rogers is hyping the labyrinth's uses for science, math and social studies classes. Linda Rogers, his wife, says the maze could serve as a place for Blazers to reflect and find spiritual solace. Even so, a significant part of the student population will feel increasingly frustrated as they scurry rat-like through the bends and folds of the maze without encountering chunks of cheese.

The more pressing question, however, remains: Why stop with a labyrinth?

Feline (traffic) Island

Blair's tribute to those famed big rock heads of Easter Island: really big cat heads arranged haphazardly in the University Boulevard parking lot. This will add a sense of timelessness, a sense of mystery, a sense of wonder — as many drivers will wonder (particularly if they've just backed into one and pulverized their rear tail light), "What in the world are a bunch of concrete cat heads doing in the parking lot?" It's a mystery!

Gang-way for Jell-o!

As centuries pass, Stonehenge remains a profoundly perplexing place of spiritualism, ambiguity, introspection and, most of all, the setting for all those movies about cool Druid chicks in tight rawhide cloaks.

By constructing a true to-size replica of the famed rocks in our very own SAC, we would be advancing significant questions about the nature of the cosmos and our temporal relation to it. This site could become the new epicenter for magical thinking, fanciful daydreaming, elliptical visions and the bi-monthly MS-13 bake sale (Please don't shoot me! — ¡No me matas por favor!).

The Poms squad could conduct bi-weekly pagan rituals. Some light devil worship would be tolerated. Nothing spells school spirit like S-A-T-A-N. Slight wardrobe adjustments would be in order. Less is more.

Perhaps we could bus in some real republicans… er… Druids from Northern Virginia like we did last time we couldn't find enough of a certain demographic for our fearless leader's infamous town meeting and photo op.

Did I mention that our Stonehenge should be made entirely out of strawberry and lime Jell-O? This would add to the temporal dimensions of the artistic conundrum, particularly after week two.

It's a wrap

The artist Christo first made his international reputation by wrapping things in red plastic — really big things like the Reichstag in Berlin, the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris, Pacific Islands, the Rock of Gibraltar, the Empire State Building, Donald Trump's ego and Rosie O'Donnell. Lots of red plastic. In Rosie's case, lots and lots of red plastic.

Christo's most famous wrappings involve things that are constant and unchanging — to which nothing is added, nothing is taken away. This would include islands and monoliths: rocks, coastlines and the Blair athletic trophy case. Go Blazers!

Christo's most recent project, "The Gates," consisted of row after row of orange flags lining the walkways of New York's Central Park. We could take down those hideous flags that currently adorn Blair Boulevard, unfortunately sacrificing the representation of such world powers as Luxembourg, Borneo, Canada and Idaho. A shame, but multicultural understanding is not what real art is made of. Just ask Eminem. But if we were to replace them with glorious orange flags (which we could borrow from the highway department's roadside cleaning service and precision drill team), The Gates would come to Blair.

Be all you can be — just don't be late

A large stack of boards, protruding pipes and puddles strategically installed in darkened hallways present special challenges and potential growth opportunities for students struggling to make their next class. So do low-hanging signs.

This installation would challenge Blazers to be strong — Army Strong — or face a tardy slip at the end of their perilous quest. Running this gauntlet could hurt you. A lot. But others are counting on you. We're counting on you! Your country is counting on you!

Be strong — stay the course — make sure to watch your head. And remember that leadership qualities and inner resolve don't come cheap!

Labyrinths are for sissies. Real Blazers prefer obstacle courses.

Thinking beyond the Now

Alas, I can only hope that these fantasies, modest in scope as they may be, will spark an outpouring of Blair's famed can-do spirit.

This will enable us to think beyond the labyrinths of the now and arrive at a visionary state of public statuary — a place where teachers, students and community gardeners can all come together to find enlightenment, solace, healing and maybe even some lightly aged Camembert cheese.