Stranger than fiction: Holiday 2004

There comes a tragic time in every American youth's life when it becomes necessary for he or she to spend their hard-earned allowance on other people instead of themselves. This time has come and beat me in the face with a holly-festooned bat, and in such a time of need and uncertainty, it is only sensible to consult a wise, seasoned and amazingly witty person: one's editor-in-chief.

It should be noted that Silver Chips Online editor-in-chief chief Ely Portillo and I have known each other for nearly seven years, and that when we were wee lads and lasses at Eastern Middle School, our heinously nerdy group of friends began the heartwarming and politically correct tradition of giving each other "non-discriminatory holiday gifts.”

In seventh grade, Portillo blessed us with thoughtful and expensive gifts such as a packet of powdered chili sauce mix, a potato, a packet of ramen noodles and a box of cornbread mix, all of which were tastefully wrapped in newspaper. In his defense, he completely forgot that Winter Break began the next day and thus did not have time to shop for anything nice.

So, in the festive theme of togetherness, Portillo and I trudged through the Internet to find a series of rather mindless and mildly enjoyable gifts under $20 to give your friends if you feel like being a bit ritzier than he was, is or ever will be.

1. First, to wrap your future tidings, what would be better than sheets of hickory-smoked bacon?
Oh…have vegan friends? Then this animal-friendly bac-on wrapping paper (two 20” x 30” sheets for $3.95) is the perfect holiday touch to show that you care.

2. Have an angry friend?
Help him or her vent their pent-up feelings by supplying them with a voodoo starter kit for only $11.95.

3. Little brother not into the nativity scene?
Cure little Bobby's dislike of Christian dogma by only telling him the yucky stuff he wants to hear! The "Weird and Gross Bible Stuff” book is sure to make Bobby want to go to Christmas mass a lot more this year.

4. Yo, dawg, this bling is bomb.
Um, well, if that's how you talk, then you need this next gift about as much as we do. Order the nerdiest person in your life slang flashcards (for $12.95).

5. A technologically advanced classic: the new and improved whoopee cushion.
You can help that startlingly weird and immature uncle enjoy the formal dinner at Grandma's by supplying him with a remote control fart machine for a mere $16.95.

Additional web searching by Ely Portillo