Spring dieting advice

Chips disclaimer: Everything here is completely fabricated and the product of a deranged mind. Do not take this article seriously or do something foolish like try any of these diets.

It's springtime again, and men and women all over the world know what that means – swimsuit season is just around the corner! Yes, there are only a few more crucial weeks to tone down those tubby tummies so you can have the body of your dreams. To that end, the Chips staff has been working day and night, driven to the point of utter exhaustion as Speedo season approaches, to bring you information on the latest and hippest diets out there. So without further ado –

The Fatkins Diet

Inspired by the revolutionary ideas of Dr. Atkins, who told people how to get skinny on a diet that most doctors had previously believed would drown your arteries in a sea of fat, Dr. Seymour Fatkins has come forward with an amazing new weight-loss plan. "I saw people getting skinny on all these fattening foods, so I took the idea to its logical conclusion," said Dr. Fatkins. "On the Fatkins Diet, you eat nothing but pure lard and watch the pounds melt away!"

Yes, that's right, pure lard is the weight-loss secret of the future. According to Dr. Fatkins' best-selling book, Make Fat Work For You, as little as seven or eight spoonfuls of leftover cooking grease have all the calories you need to keep you going all day! When asked what potential health hazards his diet might pose, Dr. Fatkins made a coughing sound and said he heard someone calling his name, then rushed out of the room.

Risks: Muscle wasting, hardening of the arteries, massive heart attack and death.

The Supermodel Special

Chips has finally discovered the secret of how today's models are staying so impossibly skinny: the Supermodel Special, which is actually a combination of a diet and major gastrointestinal/neural surgery. Although this procedure is a bit pricey, it's guaranteed to provide that sexy "famine victim" look that is so popular in the fashion industry.

Here's how it works: doctors simply remove the patient's stomach and digestive tract and then open up the skull to remove the parts of the brain that are responsible for those pesky hunger urges. And that's it! No more cravings for sugary, fattening foods (or desire to eat at all) and no way to process food even if you were to eat some. After the surgery, which only requires a three-month recovery period, those patients who survive are fed by an intravenous drip of sugar water for the rest of their lives. Trust us, there's no better way to keep those pounds off!

Risks: Emaciation, starvation, brain damage and death.

The Healthy Foods Diet

The Healthy Foods Diet works like this: you eat healthy foods in moderate amounts and exercise regularly. Widely regarded as the most controversial and radical diet to emerge this year, this diet has met with staunch resistance. "Insane, dangerous and heretical," is how noted nutrition expert Dr. Rajanputvarnashkan described the diet. "As far as I can tell, it does not center on any one obscure or unhealthy food group to the exclusion of all others, like the successful grapefruit and Atkins diets. Totally crazy." The Healthy Foods Diet is not recommended for anyone at this time.

Risks: You might have to make drastic cutbacks, like spending fewer than six hours a day sedentary in front of the TV, to be successful on this diet.