South Africa bans letters to Santa Claus

The South African government took a bold and decisive step earlier this week to combat the rising tide of global instability. The government ordered the South African Post Office to stop running a television ad showing youngsters an address where they can write to Santa Claus, to avoid damaging the poor little hearts of South African children.

In a statement that is, surprisingly, real ( check it out here ), the South African Press Agency said that the move was taken because the ad created, "a falsehood that could break the fragile spirits of the already disillusioned youth of South Africa. The directorate was of the opinion that it could conceivably be extremely upsetting for a child who does not receive the requested presents to believe that s/he has been too naughty during the past year."

Now, some doubters may think that the South African government is being too harsh. "Santa Claus is just an innocent tradition that most kids grow out of with nothing but fond memories!" they may protest. However, these people have never stopped to consider the true horror inflicted upon our youth by the hideous deception of well-meaning adults. Recent research, which is surprisingly fake, shows that most of the major wars, famines, plagues, and automobile accidents of the 20th century can be traced back to leftover resentment from Santa Disillusionment Syndrome. This often debilitating disease strikes far too many sensitive young souls who find out that the jolly fat man they've come to love is just a fat lie.

Additionally, over four million children are hospitalized every year after nervous breakdowns caused by not receiving requested gifts. Imagine how much better off our children would all be without Santa Claus' trickery and deception interfering with their fragile minds.

Repeated attempts to contact the South African government for comment met with failure, perhaps due to the fact that Silver Chips' phones can't dial long distance. However, we're not the kind of paper that gives up, so we went ahead and concocted a fake interview with a fake head of the South African Press Association. Mr. Ondomofwe explained the government's reasoning behind the ban. "We are not going to take it anymore!" he declared. "We as a people can no longer sit back and watch this horrible man, this so called Santa, take advantage of our children! He has never once brought me or my children any of the gifts we have requested in our letters, so we are putting an end to this falsehood! I am no longer even sure that there is a Santa Claus."

Mr. Ondomofwe's angry comments degenerated into an incoherent rant against the other members of what he called 'the holiday axis of evil.' He declined to say what further initiatives are planned to deal with other fake holiday figureheads, only hinting darkly that the Easter Bunny will 'get what's coming to him.' Pass the holiday cheer, South Africa!