SCO Classic: Seeing the single's side of V-day

Poking through the gift choices in Hallmark, I was shocked to find the barbaric and morally bankrupt Valentine's gifts people are willing to spend real American dollars on. This needn't be you my friends! You don't need to waste your hard whined-for allowances and burger-flipping bucks on atrocious gifts, all in the name of this emotion you humans call "love."

I have gathered the worst examples of Valentine's Day gift excess in order to expose Valentine's Day for the big caramel-filled, coconut-dusted waste that it is. So, if you spent money this Valentine's Day, hopefully you didn't waste it like this…

Musical Frog Prince Gift Set from Hallmark ($24.95)

Now there's a slimy, pond-dwelling amphibian you wouldn't normally think to associate with Valentine's Day, but our friends at Hallmark have changed that. I am fully aware of the legend of the Frog Prince, but seriously, any princess that can be sweet-talked by something lives in the mud and eats flies for a living deserves a kiss from someone a lot worse than a frog. Let's not concern ourselves with fairy tale ethics; I'd rather not get into the kleptomania and violence of Goldilocks. And, anyway, if you gave your beloved the gift of a singing toad, you've got enough to worry about.

'Everlasting Love' Dried Flower Bouquet from Hallmark ($24.95)

Flowers are nice, and love is nice too. But somehow, giving your beloved something that's not even alive anymore doesn't seem like a way to spark a lot of, well, life into your relationship. And these are some big dead flowers, 6" by 18", so your partner will have a constant, visible reminder that you think of your relationship as a big, pastel-colored plant corpse.

Love Bandit Snoopy Gift Set from Hallmark ($12.95)

If your true love thinks that his feelings can be truly represented by a masked dog, then good for him. Personally, I don't think a hound with a bandanna can describe the deepest, most personal of human emotions. Keep in mind that Snoopy is from the same comic strip that brought us other Valentine's Day classics like the bald boy who can't kick a field goal and the really, really dirty kid.

See, this is the kind of stuff that happens on Valentine's Day, Blazers: masked dogs and bright, dead plants. So I hope you spent your Valentine's funds wisely, because no one wants to be known as the person who gave their true love a singing frog.