Every year, as conversation hearts fill the aisles of CVS, I shake my head in the face of celebrating couples. I scoff at the sappiness of Valentine's Day and all the stupid teddy bears that come with it. But as I grow older, much wiser and a little bit lonelier, all the roses don't smell so stinky. So I set a goal for myself this season. I'm going to fight all common sense and find myself a big, beautiful, bootylicious boyfriend.
Before I step out into the dangerous dating world, I need to take a peek at my future by taking Match.com's Valentine's Day quiz. Will I be "dateless" or "da bomb"? Luckily, my feminine wiles scored me an 18 out of 22: "Desirable to the max, baby! You're ready for love and are willing to do what it takes to find it!"
So I set my willing self on the road – more accurately the information super-highway, and more specifically, Match.com profiles. I select the classy screename b0iKrAZy4eVa and for my profile write, "I am required to write 200 characters here to describe something undescribable. I need a boyfriend for Valentine's Day. Holla if yourrra balla!" For my catchy headline, I put the obvious: "I'm desperate."
In a matter of days, I already have nine would-be suitors. CamelotDC has the potential to buy me a house for Valentine's Day with his $150,000-plus income – that he earned at age 36. Maybe he can buy me a house and adopt me for his daughter. And Labtek21 can "show me more than I could imagine," which unfortunately includes an "exciting highway jaunt at 95 mph, screaming expletives at other drivers who dare to swerve into our path." PudgeJuice, described as a "cucumber" and "teddy bear," seems nice enough, as long as I am interested in dating a vegetable or a stuffed-animal.
The days are ticking away, and I am not a step closer to Valentine's romance, so I turn to my faithful friend, fellow senior Mike Hayes, to set me up on a blind date. On Saturday evening, I promptly pick up my destiny and head to the movies. As another Blair senior, and a popular, attractive, athletic one at that, I suppose it's understandable that he asked me not to embarrass him by including his name in this article. People might think we were dating.
When we take a seat in the theater, I find myself sitting alone. Well, not exactly alone, but my date chose to leave an empty seat between us. At first I'm surprised, but realize my intense nervousness must have caused my armpits to sweat more than I had expected. I make a mental note: Wear deodorant on your next date. And maybe at track practice, too. As you may guess, things just didn't work out between us.
Moral of my story: You can't just up and chase love down. Love is a fickle thing for which you must wait patiently. I'll just have to let love come to me. So I'm waiting here. Room 158. With some chocolate, in case love likes sweets.
Jamie Kovach. who are you? More »
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