Science department admits physics was practical joke

The following piece of 'journalism' is entirely satire, intended only for your cheap amusement. Not a word of it is true, and physics still exists.

In a surprising announcement earlier today, Blair's science department confessed that the subject of physics was entirely fabricated.

The science department issued an apology to students for subjecting them to the self-described 'practical joke,' but declined to go into further detail about the scam. However, a member of the science team who wished to remain anonymous was willing to comment.

"The whole thing started in the late 80's, after one of the teachers came up with the idea at an otherwise boring staff party. We all couldn't stop laughing, the idea was just so funny. And that's how physics was born," said the teacher.

Many students were shocked and dismayed by the announcement, which prompted the immediate closure of the math and science magnet. Several students even vowed to fight in support of physics, including the Physics Club. Many members of the Physics Club began a hunger strike and pledged to continue until the announcement was retracted. "Give me physics or give me death!" was the battle cry.

However, the majority of Blazers expressed no surprise upon hearing the news. "I just kind of always assumed that physics was all made up," said junior Owen McGibbons. "Come one, I would've had to be crazy to take all that 'centripetal force' and 'coefficient of friction' stuff seriously."

The anonymous teacher expressed remorse for "all the pain this stupid joke has caused Blair." She also said that she was deeply regretful for lying about the existence of such figures as Isaac Newton and Johannes Kepler. "Physics was never meant to get out of control like this. I mean, it just kind of snowballed. First we came up with some basic laws, then the formulas, and the whole thing just grew from there. I'm especially sorry that we did everything we could to make physics as confusing as possible." The teacher went on to say that the department as a whole "could simply no longer live with the lies we were perpetuating in physics classes."

Blair's administration was not forthcoming about any possible reprimands for the science department. However, now that the secret of physics is out, it is expected that similar announcements will follow from the math and English departments regarding trigonometry and the works of Shakespeare.