New test, same old anguish

I really have to hand it to the folks at College Board for managing to scare the living snot out of new generations of students year after year with the infamous SAT. When they announced they would be making the already well-feared SAT longer, more comprehensive and generally nastier than ever before, I could almost hear the collective squeaky-voiced cry of millions of terrified teens.

Having only recently been subjected last fall to this elaborate scam to rob teens of sleep and sanity, I am intrigued by this so-called "New SAT." I mean, how much worse could they possibly make a three-hour test about geometry and the meaning of words like "pusillanimous?" Well, by adding another half-hour, an essay and all that nifty higher-level math that you thought you'd never need again.

While searching for more information at school, I happen upon a convenient little booklet entitled "What Students Will Ask About the New SAT: A Pocket Guide for Counselors." After a quick glance, I notice that it doesn't have any responses for "What the heck?" or "Why is this happening to me?" It does, however, have many pictures of students posing with books and guitars, having lively conversations and grinning from ear to ear, clearly ecstatic at getting to take this awesome new test. Having taken my very last SAT a few months ago, I feel a little left out.

Despite the seemingly "hip" new image of standardized tests, my memories of the SAT don't seem quite as fun as those 20-something-looking models make it out to be. I don't know about other schools, but I remember the kids in my SAT testing center looking more like free-range cows awaiting the slaughter. Some milled around, chewing on hastily packed candy bars, while others fiddle with their pencils and glanced nervously at their carefully inventoried supplies.

During regular school days, kids will drop their fancy TI-83s on the ground and casually mutter "oops," but during the SAT, they treat their calculators like the Mars rover, ready to blow up at the slightest jolt.

Then there's the actual test-taking itself, which always plays out like some kind of surreal torture chamber. As soon as you pick up that pencil, it's like you have the ears of Superman. You hear everything: the growling of your stomach, the scratching of your pencil, the clock on the ceiling ticking away your dreams for college, the kid in the back who won't...stop...tapping...his...PENCIL. Maybe super hearing isn't all it's cracked up to be, but getting up in the middle of the room and yelling at the kid probably isn't any better.

Clearly, the SATs aren't exactly on par with getting your driver's license and going to the prom on the list of memorable high-school experiences, but it is still a rite of passage that builds character, or so my parents tell me. Fearful sophomores and juniors who are about to take the leap into the exciting world of standardized testing may be wondering, "How should I prepare? What should I read? What classes should I take? When should I get help? How can I master this new SAT?" And I am here to tell you one fantastic fact: I am a senior, so I really don't care!