Miss America

It seems that no television show can remain impervious to the reality-show epidemic, not even a 50-year-running special that touts itself as a scholarship competition exemplifying the ideal American woman. Therefore, it is only prudent that this year's bicentennial Miss America contest featured "behind the scenes” footage of the girls being "goofy” and "normal” in rehearsal, playing around in Atlantic City and even in the dressing room.

The 52 girls, proudly including a new contestant from the Virgin Islands, pranced about onstage in little black dresses before 42 of them were summarily dismissed without saying a word to their 12,000 "screaming fans,” as white-bread host Chris Harrison characterized them.

In keeping with the modern updates of the pageant, the edgy Clay Aiken was booked to sing background for the ladies' eveningwear show, as well as to serenade the crowd with "There She Is,” the pageant's theme song, as the new Miss America was crowned. Despite his vocal talents, one could not help but wrinkle one's nose as Aiken and his chiffon army did some lame booty-shaking after the top five girls finished their catwalk routines.

Apparently, according to the pre-edited packages of the girls discussing their candidacy, a "new focus” this year was that Miss America is "not only intelligent, but sexy.” Who would have thought! This world-altering statement was followed by shots of the top ten girls in bikinis beside a candlelit pool. Later, several of the girls miserably failed the new "quiz show” segment in which they were interrogated by Mr. Wonderbread about American history and government.

It would be easy to pan the parade of statuesque 20-somethings as nothing but Barbies brought to life to passionately advocate for world peace, as if there exists someone who vehemently disagrees. However, I would like to go out on a limb and congratulate the girls on a vastly underrated talent they have: their gravity- and anatomy-defying abilities to walk in five-inch heels as if it is easier than shuffling around in bunny slippers. To perform such an epic feat in a string bikini equates their talent quotient to that of Paris Hilton or perhaps even Air Bud.

Apparently Miss Americas actually do things too. Besides arguing staunchly for homes for the homeless, the prevention of child abuse and food for the hungry, Miss Americas also attend pivotal sporting events and serve as patriotic eye candy for American soldiers abroad during the holidays.

The winner, Miss Deidre Downs of Alabama, received $50,000 to pursue her education as well as the opportunity to represent her country in all things fashion, beauty, peace and animal rights. The runner-up, Miss Jennifer Dupont of Louisiana, earned herself a $40,000 scholarship. The second, third, and fourth runners-up, Miss Kirstin Marie Elrod of North Carolina, Miss Veena Goel of California, and Miss Lacy Fleming of Arkansas, all received $10,000 towards their college educations.