Learning to work the dating scene, Hoven-style

Niels Hoven is an inspiration to lovelorn nerdkind everywhere. So I've decided to replicate his transformation from hapless dork to superfly ladykiller — except all in one day, because Prom is coming up fast and I really need a date. Luckily, to aid my development, Hoven has furnished me with his guide to getting that girl.

According to Hoven, baby steps come first. It turns out that, just as you can't prove Fermat's last theorem without first learning how to add, you can't pick up girls until you've mastered the art of introduction. That seems logical to me. From across the SAC one morning, I spy a gaggle of girls and decide to introduce myself, using tip number two from Hoven's bag of tricks: the confidence scam.

Self-confidence, apparently, is attractive to the opposite gender. Hoven suggests thinking positive, and if that fails, using body language to fake it. So as I approach the girls, I try to mimic the amiable and utterly self-assured swagger of Barney the purple dinosaur. After all, who could possess more self-confidence than the sorry man who is forced to spend hours swaddled in a fat suit pretending that the world is happy and perfect and that life's lessons are always accompanied by elaborately choreographed song-and-dance routines?

I amble up and tap one girl tentatively — I mean, confidently — on the shoulder. "Hi there," I say. "I'm Jeff."

She turns around to size me up. "Hi," she says. Then she turns again and resumes conversing with her friends.

At least I've introduced myself. I stand facing her back, waiting expectantly for the next volley of conversation, but to no avail. She is like a rift in the time-space continuum; talk goes in, but nothing comes out. I'm a little shaken by her ability to defy the laws of physics. I decide to pull out the big guns.

It's Hoven's tip #3: "Leave people better than you found them. When you meet someone new, your only goal should be to put a smile on their face as quickly as possible." I tap her shoulder again. "Want to see me wiggle my ears?" I ask her. I've yet to meet a person who does not crack up when I wiggle my ears — until now. The girl doesn't even look at me.

I only have one strategy left. Hoven's fourth tip tells me to "open up emotionally." Dropping the ear-wiggling gimmick, I start to share my feelings. "You know, it's sort of frightening that you can manipulate the time-space continuum like that!" I chortle. She doesn't respond. "What are you, some sort of android or something? I bet that's why you're so pretty — you were engineered that way!"

She gives me a look that could freeze even helium. Then, the bell for class rings.

I swear it's her android powers that did it. But this isn't over. We almost connected. And besides, didn't it take Hoven years to get to where I am now?

I'll try again soon. But first I gotta finish my calculus homework.