Van Helsing a lifeless creature feature

Van Helsing may be the most expensive funeral ever mounted. The relentless action flick throttles the last bit of life from the Dracula, Frankenstein and Wolfman franchises of the 1930s and ‘40s, offering a slipshod, noisy film that kicks subtlety right out the door.

Hugh Jackman (X-Men) headlines as the titular monster-hunter with more gadgets than the CIA and a knack for spouting cheesy catchphrases. After disposing of Dr.Jekyll/Mr. Hyde over the side of the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, Van Helsing is sent to Transylvania by his bosses embedded deep within the Vatican to kill Count Dracula.

Conveniently, Van Helsing is greeted in Transylvania by Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), the last member of an ancient family that has long combated Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh channeling a young Hugh Hefner). The feisty pair has the requisite number of arguments that occur between every hero and heroine before they decide they're perfect for each other (helping matters along in the whole perfect for each other department is that Jackman and Beckinsale have the same long, flowing hair). Van Helsing and Valerious eventually combine forces and vow to kill Dracula. Just for good measure, writer/director Steven Sommers throws in some ridiculous and distracting subplots involving the Wolfman and Frankenstein.

Jackman coasts through the film on the wings of his most lifeless of performances. Beckinsale is similarly shell-shocked, and seems to be working too hard at blundering her woefully overdone Eastern European accent ("He's ze first one to keel a vampire in over vun hundred vears!").

Van Helsing's real goal is to scare up audiences looking for a nostalgic trip back to those old monster matinee flicks of yesteryear. Don't be fooled. Those original films are much better than this updated, effects laden clunker that is sure to send critics and fans alike running in panicked fear. Or, as Beckinsale might say, "Paneeked vear! "