Timeline: less than timeless

It's so nice of Hollywood to produce a movie that makes kids truly value their education.

What movie has me reflecting on my modern world classes with such satisfaction? Why, it's Timeline, the two-hour, live-action historical inaccuracy on reel. Timeline is the sort of movie in which the entertainment value lies not so much in the action or plot (of which there is much and little, respectively) but in watching with malicious glee as the filmmakers flounder through the Dark Ages while you smugly harbor the knowledge that you could have produced a more accurate portrait of the fourteenth century with Legos and cardboard.

Of course, it's in the nature of action movies to be historically inaccurate, especially those involving time travel. A Knight's Tale, for example, was purposefully anachronistic, and Shanghai Noon isn't going to be shown in U.S. History classes anytime soon. But both films took a lighthearted, tongue-and-cheek approach to the past. There was no attempt at replication, rather, the filmmakers simply grinned foolishly and invited you along for what was, admittedly and unashamedly, a very silly ride.

With Timeline, the ride is just as silly, but director Richard Donner doesn't know it. He sets a serious tone for the movie that simply doesn't resonate with the simplicity of the plot and one-dimensional interpretation of history. The fact that we're never pulled in is disappointing, especially for a film based on a novel by Michael Crichton, the man who made us believe that it was possible to clone dinosaurs if only you had a big enough island and enough mummified mosquitoes. Timeline, though well-constructed like other Crichton stories, goes forth ploddingly and with pretensions flying as thick as Paul Walker's hair gel.

The plot to Timeline really comes secondary to the gimmick. Ambiguously Evil Scientists stumble upon a wormhole back to Castlegard, France, 1357. They send Eccentric Archeologist Professor Johnston (Billy Connolly—think Sean Connery from The Last Crusade) back and inconveniently lose him, prompting Annoying, Semi-Estranged Son Chris (Paul Walker—think Paul Walker) to go back to 1357 with some Expendable Extras—think a crew of multinational Indian Jones's—to save his father. Unfortunately, they arrive on the day of a scheduled invasion, imposing a sense of urgency on their mission and providing for copious amounts of cinematic fire and bloodshed.

Along the way, the scientists beat the archeologists over the head with the need to blend in with the locals, lest the timeline be altered. Thus, Donner introduces the concept that the archeologists will be in a historical world that needs to be preserved. But this idea is ridiculous from its conception. Somehow, Donner expects the audience to believe that a modern Scotsman, American, Frenchman, three Marines, and a surfer will be inconspicuous in fourteenth century France if they are dressed to play Dungeons and Dragons.

And the script doesn't stick with its own pretensions for long. The Scotsman, Andre Marek (Gerard Butler, whose accent is the highlight of the film), is extremely insistent that they take along Francois (Rossis Sutherland), a Frenchman, to translate for them. Nevermind that the French of 1357 probably resembled modern-day French like Japanese resembles English; that problem turns out to be irrelevant anyways, as absolutely everyone our heroes meet on their journey speaks perfect English. Not Old English. American English. Even the French peasantry. As a result, Francois exists only to be killed off in the movie's most emotionally gruesome scene.

Timeline's insistence on killing off potentially interesting characters, like Francois, deadens the atmosphere of the film and even more tragically, gives Walker more screen time. The man talks like someone out of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures, only he does so unconsciously. Chris' vocabulary is compatible with Walker's speech pattern. When asks how it feels to be cast aside by Kate (Frances O'Connor), the Love Interest, he replies from some deep place in his heart, "It sucks. It sucks big time." At least Francois had character- his sheer fright and disorientation was one of the few believable things about the movie. Even when Chris, Kate, and Marek, civilians, are forced to kill, they are thrown in moral crisis for three minutes, tops. But they never evolve emotionally, only in their sudden ability to use broadswords.

Actually, aside from characters' sudden acquisition of skill at medieval weaponry, the story makes sense and is cleverly, if obviously, put together. In the beginning, the archeologists make several important (though at they time they seem trivial) discoveries that you just know are going to come back into play once they go back in time. For example, Kate is searching for a hidden tunnel from a monastery to under the Castlegard fortress, which she will later come back to in an attempt at stealth infiltration. Crichton is meticulous till the end, tying up loose ends and settling his characters back into their lives.

You need to go into Timeline with the right frame of mind and maybe a "Guess the Plot Twist" bingo card. The movie is essentially devoid of comic relief, so you're left to laugh at the inconsistencies and marvel at the occasional loud explosion. Or you could just go ahead and rent Indian Jones for twice the adventure and none of the arrogance.

Timeline is rated PG-13 for intense battle sequences and brief language.