Attack of the Clones: Somebody Save Me!

Attack of the Clones is a fitting title. Clones of cheap action flicks, boring political melodramas, and... Danielle Steele novels? Indeed, Star Wars has now officially become a cheesy chick flick featuring two mediocre actors drowning in a horrendously cliched script. Not even the actors' beautiful faces could make these script lines sound any better than garbled gook. Sitting through two and a half hours of this rubbish left me with only one clear thought: George Lucas has fallen worse than Elvis in a tight white jumpsuit at 250 pounds.

It's difficult to express exactly what the worst part of the film was, in part because I think I fell asleep after about five minutes of light sabers, flying machines, and political nonsense. Of course, I'm not sure I was actually sleeping, because Star Wars strongly resembled a bad dream. The scenes jumped around, you know, like those nightmares when you're in a meeting then all of a sudden running for your life on some bizarre planet- oh no, wait, that was the movie. Then, faces from the past kept reappearing, but instead of bringing comfort, these faces were tragic parodies of their old selves (Yoda, I used to love you, but really, the backwards talking got a little out of hand.)

I guess I must have been awake, though, because I do remember something about a plot, in the midst of all the special effects and technological bluster. Unfortunately, I didn't comprehend too much of it, but I'll try my best.

Warning: hazardously boring and confusing material ahead. The movie begins with an assassination attempt on the life of Senator Amidala (Natalie Portman), so all these official folk are making a fuss about keeping her safe and increasing her security. Obi-Wan (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), his lovely yet extremely disturbing apprentice, are the logical choice for bodyguard duty. Anakin, laying eyes on the fascinating Amadala after a ten-year break, pledges to find the man behind this assassination attempt in a fit of love and adulation.

After the assassination attempts worsen, Anakin must take Amidala back to her home planet for safety, giving the young romantics even more time to blatantly steal lines from insightful films of the past such as "You've Got Mail." Somehow Amidala falls for this whiny brat despite his stalker tendencies and overbearing demeanor.

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan's meandering about a series of planets, trying in vain to actually do something interesting. He first travels to the planet Camino and uncovers an army of clones a deceased Jedi ordered for the empire. The rest of his travels are galactic history, to be discovered only if you dare venture into a theatre to actually sit through the 150 minutes of this movie. I'd tell you now, except I honestly have no clue what happened past the thirty-minute mark.

But in all fairness, I haven't been completely honest; the film has a few points to recommend it. It's better than Episode I, if that's any comfort. Jar Jar Binks, who takes the art of annoyance to new levels, has only has a few lines (otherwise I would have left the theater). And, best of all, Yoda actually fights with a light saber for a few hilarious moments.

Yet three fabulous minutes can't rescue this shambles of a movie from a ghastly script, robotic acting, and muddled direction. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, George Lucas actually made good movies. Disappeared that galaxy most certainly has.