Don't overestimate Underworld

Pretend that you haven't seen The Matrix, forget you've ever heard of Romeo and Juliet, erase whatever knowledge you have of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, shut out any images you remember from all Arnold Schwarzeneggar movies, and disregard the fact that Blade was ever made, and you may just think that Underworld is an original feature film.

For the rest of you, catch this one on video.

Of course, if you are a fan of carbon-copied slow motion shots of lethal projectiles, people posing rather than acting, black suits, automatic weapons, bullet-proof good guys and too-bad-I-can't-aim bad guys, sorry. You're in for a disappointment, too.

It's not that it's a bad movie.

It's just not that good.

Underworld is a movie of almosts. Kate Beckinsale (Pearl Harbor) almost acts. Scott Speedman (Felicity, the WB series you probably missed) has an almost developed character. There are almost surprising plot twists. And the action scenes are almost exciting.

But believe it or not, Underworld is based less on action and more on (ahem) plot. Some centuries ago the Lycan, or werewolves, ticked off the vampires, and there's been lots of fang-to-fang fighting ever since, mostly between the same people. See, they're immortal, as long as they don't die.

Nowadays, lurking Lycan have taken a liking to human hottie Michael Corvin (Speedman), for reasons unknown to vampire Selene (Beckinsale), whose own hotness is semi-obscured by her Marlon Brando-style fang-puffed cheeks. While trying to find out why the Lycan are so interested in Corvin, Selene is attacked by an ancient Lycan named Lucian, previously presumed dead. Lucian's like Wolverine (beard, healing powers pop bullets back out, retractable blade), only...not Hugh Jackman. So fast-forward—beasts, bullets, blood—and Corvin saves Selene's life.

But not before he's bitten by Lucian. Which makes Corvin a wolfie, too. And so we have our dilemma: Two star-crossed lovers that can't have each other because they're from opposite—whoa. Deja vú.

And the other dilemma: Lucian was supposedly killed by Kraven, a vamp bureaucrat who has such a sweet tooth for Selene that he makes goo-goo eyes at her even as she tries to discredit his murder of Lucian and prove—gasp!—his alliance with him. So Selene is locked in a battle for neither side, trusting her own kind but discovering dark secrets about them, hating Lycans but loving one.

And the adventure carries on from there. Selene does some super jumps, cold kisses are shared between her and Corvin, room is left for a sequel. Eh.

Hardly a frame of this movie is dedicated to daylight. The director, Ron Wisemen, shows us what it would be like if Tim Burton got hit over the head with a Matrix VHS tape.

However, you can't half-Matrix a movie, which Underworld does. So even if "Matrixify everything" is your philosophy, you won't be fully satisfied. Beckinsale's Selene is no Trinity, and Speedman's Michael Corvin is no Neo. It's a nice try, but nothing to sink your teeth into.