Mouths open wide and lips ram together as a sinewy tendril of saliva drips to the floor. The spectacle is grotesque and comical, and it brings to mind the image of two glassy-eyed, open-mouthed fish clumsily trying to mate. As I turn down Blair Blvd and walk to my second block class, I wonder how kissing can be so enjoyable to do and simultaneously appear so ridiculous.
However absurd kissing may look, Blair students still enjoy physical romance. According to an informal Silver Chips survey of 100 students conducted on Sept 12, 100 percent believe that kissing is enjoyable. However, only three percent of students enjoy watching others kiss. For many Blair students, public displays of affection (PDAs) are an uncomfortable aspect of school.
Clearly, something had to be done to put an end to the disgusting crimes of passion perpetrated every day at Blair. I vowed to strike a blow for decency at school by breaking up every PDA I encountered.
The limits of decency
Don't get me wrong, I've been known to hold a hand or two in my day. I've even distributed the occasional hug or peck on the cheek. I should take pleasure in watching other people kiss, if only because I enjoy the intimacy of a relationship. Humans may have been created to enjoy kissing, but there is no law of nature that says that people have to enjoy watching others consecrating their affection.
Beginning my mission
Seeking professional help concerning PDAs, I turn to security guard Steven Miller, who often finds students "leaning up against the back wall playing sucky-face." Miller typically prevents students from "sucky-facing" by asking them to stop.
Adopting Miller's direct approach, I test my ability to disrupt PDAs on a couple kissing on a table in the courtyard during lunch. Calmly walking to the table where the couple sits intertwined, I declare that kissing is not allowed at Blair. They don't notice me. I repeat my message three times, but the pair doesn't stop kissing, not even to respond to me.
Undeterred, I turn to the couple embracing on a nearby table and repeat my message. The second couple shrewdly replies with a dozen or so four-letter words that my editors will never allow me to print and continues kissing. I walk slowly away, writing down what the pair has told me in order to look up a few phrases in the dictionary.
Leaving my mark
While I never successfully disrupted any PDAs, I am confident that I left an impression on Blair couples. Perhaps students will now think twice before engaging in sensational acts of physical romance at school. Content, I walk home, confident that I can be free from any PDAs in the safety of my own house.
My mother greets me at our front door, excitedly holding out two videos. "Want to watch a movie?" she asks. "How about Shakespeare in Love or Kate and Leopold?"
The Four Most Disgusting Types of PDAs At Blair
The Truffle Shuffle: This delightful number consists of fast footwork and lots of kissing; usually attempted while running away from administrators.
The Dine And Dash: Also known as a quick make out session when students rush to class; be careful not to grab the wrong person as you're running down the hall.
The Conjoined Twins: This couple hugged once in the sixth grade and never let go; these kids risk becoming so "enmeshed" that they actually digest food together.
The Tongue Tango: A liplock involving French kisses; the biggest downside is the possibility of choking to death.
John Visclosky. John Visclosky is, suffice it to say, "hardly the sharpest intellectual tool in the shed," which is why he has stupidly chosen to here address himself in the third person. He's a mellow sort of guy who enjoys movies and sharing his feelings and innermost … More »
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