"Closer" to what?

The new star-studded Mike Nichols film, "Closer," has nothing to offer moviegoers but emotionally barren relationship drama; pretentious, deadpan banter and perverted, undeveloped characters.

Though Patrick Marber's script tries very hard to be deep, artistic and revealing, it fails miserably to achieve any of these qualities. Perhaps this glaring failure is caused by the juxtaposition of "I love you" with phrases like "Do they have waiters here?" The characters, though distinct in their occupations"stripper, obituary writer, photographer, dermatologist"are otherwise indistinguishable and devoid of morals, individual personalities or any sort of independence from their lurid sex lives.

Nichols, a director known for tackling stories of infidelity, falls painfully short of the expectations that come with his experience in this specific genre.

He oddly manipulates time, sometimes launching four years into the future in a span of only seconds and other times flashing back to several hours before the previous scene took place. A three-year relationship can begin and end within a minute. This approach takes away from any substance the story might have had by making the viewer feel as though the relationships between the various and interchangeable couples are meaningless and thus the overly dramatized and often ridiculously set-up breakups are as well.A horrible script can sometimes be saved by stellar actors and actresses. Sadly, for "Closer," this does not take place. The leading ladies, Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman, could not redeem the empty and crude writing, despite their talents. Portman seems out of place in her role as the needy stripper, Alice, and Roberts delivers an uncharacteristically bland performance as famous photographer, Anna. Jude Law's rugged good looks don't lend anything to his character, Dan; partially because he has perpetual bags under his eyes and looks constantly sallow, probably intentionally in order to make him look emotionally drained. Only one out of four actors manages to drag his role out of the muck; Clive Owen, known for his peculiar role choices, disturbingly portrayed the perverted, obsessive, manipulative and violent Larry.

The ambiance of the film is uncomfortable, cold and raw. "Closer" is set in rainy London, and most of the indoor scenes take place in chilly, empty-looking flats or offices. Contributing to the raw theme of the movie, the actors wear little or no make-up, with the exception of Alice while she is on the job.

Except for those desirous of enduring a pointless, meandering plot; irritating and sometimes vulgar dialogue and creepy character confrontations, "Closer" is a film best avoided. The entanglements of the "love square" are not realistic or captivating enough to merit wasting 98 minutes, and the ending does not give the viewer any sort of fulfillment.

"Closer" (98 minutes) is rated R for sequences of graphic sexual dialogue, nudity/sexuality and language.