Bring back the cowbell

Every day, Blair is plagued by a familiar problem that almost all high schools face: traffic. Every day, certain places are always crowded, such as the intersection between even and odd hallways, and places where classrooms are locked so every kid in the class and his ridiculously over-sized backpack is suffocating the flow of traffic. But my personal favorite, Blair Boulevard between 5A and 5B lunch, takes the cake.

The problem is that we are operating at or above capacity. So our ways of dealing with traffic must also be above capacity. Urologists and traffic analysts agree that decreasing the amount of flow is not always possible. In Blair's case, our population isn't going anywhere, so we must maximize the good flow and minimize the bad flow. Fortunately for us, there is a solution.

Cowbell

Photo: Getting to class has never been easier.

Getting to class has never been easier. Photo courtesy of Elaine Lin.

Though it would be tempting to say that a longer passing period would alleviate these problems, in reality, that would only give us more time to be stuck in the same mess with people moving to even more places around the school. Offering incentives for students to travel around the school outside as this might disturb the precious weed covered hill that students are only aware of during fire drills is not a practical solution, either.

My friends, the solution is simple: it's loud, it's obnoxious and it's not the security guards. Call me crazy but I think it's high time we brought back the cowbell.

This object of the past was used when the current and most amazing seniors were freshmen as an incentive and a motivating tool to get people to class. Needless to say, we didn't recognize the merits of the monotonic instrument. But as we've matured and gotten even more annoyed with traffic and still being here, surely we can see the cowbell's merits.

Because let's be honest, that warning bell doesn't do anything but confuse people. It has a pleasant, scholarly but ultimately passive ring reminiscent of the annoying "friend" you wish would go away. But nothing says "GET TO CLASS!" like a cowbell being banged visibly in front of you.

Imagine its uses in practical applications. A locked door prevents a class of 33 from getting inside room 136 – or something, rendering that hallway almost impassable - cowbell to the rescue! Using the mysterious powers of the ringing, the humble keeper of the cowbell pushes the students back against the wall, allowing the rest of traffic to flow through and thus preventing tardies and lost credits. A group of three is walking incredibly slowly and holding up everyone behind them. Who can get them moving? Why Cowbell Man can!

This idea is not new; it has been tried and tested. Days of research have shown that actions speak louder than words but cowbells speak even louder than actions. What can get you to class faster? Someone urging you to go to class or a cowbell to the face? I thought so.

Now the naysayer may say "Harrumph, I'm not a cow!" and we at Silver Chips Online completely agree, unless… well… just think about this. Everyone at Blair is tagged or identified and given a number, we are alerted when we need to go graze, we "can't" leave our campus, we're fenced in and our mascot has horns, a tail and a pitchfork (something found on a farm). Something isn't right here. Maybe we are just cows that smell good and dress fashionably. Maybe every Blazer is a metrosexual bovine.