ASK Chips...of Love

Right after a day of misfortune (Friday the 13th) comes Valentine's Day - the day where love and commercialism are in the air, creating an annoying sense of obligation for some, a romantic pink-laden aura in others and a ping of loneliness to all the single ladies (yes, all the single ladies) and gents. But never fear, this month of romantic endeavors comes with help. The aptly acronym-ed trifecta of amorous and humorous authors in SCO will bestow their learnings on all ye unenlightened students.

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Shawty asks, "How do I make my man melt?"

Ladies (and gentlemen, if this applies to you), if you have a man in the first place, it's either because you have or had this inexplicable yet powerful charm on him that already makes him "melt" in the first place...or he's just desperate. But we'll just assume it's the former, not the latter.

The way you check to see if you still have this power is by performing a seemingly innocuous act and noting how your man - we'll call him Felix - responds to it. For example, if you shiver just slightly and Felix quickly whips off his jacket to cover your dainty shoulders, or if you bend over to pick up something and notice that Felix's eyes suddenly glaze over with a transfixed expression, then you still have it. However, if Felix merely replies, "It's cold today, isn't it?" and shrugs his jacket closer, or if the dumbness level in his face doesn't drop at all as you retrieve your pencil, then it's time to roll up your sleeves and recapture his attention. The easiest way? Go back to those days when he first tried to get with you and act like he doesn't exist. If that doesn't work, then it's just good riddance, Felix.

Antidisestablishmentarianism asks, "Why is cupid chubby and naked?"

Cupid's usual depiction of obesity is clearly a metaphor representing the enormous amounts of love and joy he brings to otherwise single, depressed and disheartened individuals. Or it could be because he's gorged on one too many Dove chocolates (hey, we don't blame him. They are rather delightful). As for why he's naked? Perhaps he's just a believer of naturism. Go 'head, Cupid!

Samuel L Jackson asks, "How do I become less of bad@$$?"

Well Sammy, I think you'd only ask how to be less of a B.A if you had some kind of heart condition. If your doctor said "Mr. Samuel L. Jackson, you have to be less of a B.A.M.F. or you won't live to be 60," then I'd suggest staying off of a "@#&$%@#$%^ing PLANE" filled with "@#&$%@#$%^ing SNAKES!!!!!"

Ursher asks, "Where should I take my boo on VDay?"

Take her to Sean for the time of her life.

Desperate asks, "I'm thinking about poking my secret crush on Facebook to alert her to my existence. Will it work?

Of course it would work. However, you'd be a fool to do it.

If you know her number, at least call her. Poking her on Facebook makes you look like a insecure coward, equivalent to saying, "I'm so unoriginal and scared of talking to her. I'll just hope that she thinks I'm cool by putting almost no effort into her. I'm even too lazy to Superpoke her or buy her as a friend." Women get turned off by online pokes. A physical poke may not be bad, as long as you don't bruise her and it's in an appropriate place.

Ladies, you can also subtly let your crush know that you're into him without Facebook. Walk up to him and do something cute (something sexy will make you look desperate). Show your interest by flirting with him a little bit.

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Keep in mind that there's no fun without risk and that there's no better time to take risks with your crush than on Valentine's Day. Closet romantics love to meet people through letters, poems, stories and Blair Pair (apply!). Although it may be more convenient to play it online, be real for the feel. Make sure he or she is not taken before you ask her out, though.

xkcd asks, "How can I be attractive and preserve my geeky nature?"

Because you would even ask this question tells us that you are not attractive, physically or personally. So the way to attain such is to be mindful of attractive qualities. Groom and dress yourself with an eye towards style and cleanliness - shaved face, sleek hair and, for the love of high-waters, please replace those silly pants with some nice denim. Finally, present yourself with an air of confidence - but not cockiness - and learn to walk with a loping step; this is also known as establishing a "swag." If you find that concentrating too much on attractive traits may oppress your true nature, then take time out to enjoy those geeky activities you used to love so much - overload yourself with WoW, solve some integrals, write a completely useless Java program - and pretty soon you'll find equilibrium between your inner nerd and your outer hottie.

inlove asks, "Sean Howard, will you marry me?"

Sean Howard's attitude toward marriage is kind of like his attitude toward death: avoid at all costs.

Lazy asks "I don't wanna do anything this Valentine's Day, but my girlfriend has a ridic list of expectations, what do I do?"

First, you want to ask yourself, "Are these expectations ridiculous because they're numerous and stressful or because I'm lazy?"

If your girlfriend is overbearing, then tell her so and work things out from there. For example, if she wants you to serve her breakfast in bed at 9 a.m., clean her room, do her laundry, organize her backpack, buy her flowers and chocolate in excess, buy her a five-course lunch where dishes cost over $20, take her to "He's Just Not That Into You" and five minutes after that is over bring her to "Confessions of a Shopaholic," eat dinner in downtown D.C. in a restaurant that you had to reserve three months ago and bring her home at 7:30 p.m. so she can get ready to go to a party with her friends that you didn't know about and weren't invited to, you'd better reconsider your position in the relationship. If she expects you to do all of that and "borrow" your parents' car to bring her around, you'd better take command over her and tell her that a relationship works two ways. Better yet, dump her and find someone more compatible with your tastes.

Alternatively, if she only asks you for a hug, chocolate and a date, you'd better get dumped by her for a sweeter guy.

General Valentino asks "How do I deal with my Ex making a scene?"

Well, you probably already know "Love is a Battlefield," seeing how you are a General. If your Ex makes a scene, your job is to verbally annihilate. If your Ex is trying to fry, ask loudly why they are even talking to you if you're not all that and a bag of (Silver) chips (online). Win the crowd at all costs, and if possible win the crowd without even raising your voice.

Gossip Guy asks, "How do you know if you're truly in love?"

Anika says, "The easiest way to ascertain this feeling is if you've been in quite a few relationships in your lifetime and the feeling you get with your significant other is one that you've never experienced before. The endorphins are rushing - and it's not because of that particular activity - and all you can do is think about, talk about and be out about with that person, no strings attached."

Sean says, "Love, lust, whatever gets you hot and bothered."

Kevin says, "You will never know. One day you'll get an epiphany, get married and have babies. End of story."

Send your questions to askchips.sco@gmail.com. There is nothing these experts don't know.