Ask Chips: Back in style

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there once was a Silver Chips staple called Ask Chips (AC). Over time, this tradition was lost and SCO readers everywhere were deprived of much needed advice on all things from the serious to the extremely random. Now, a new hope for Blazers has come, with the introduction of three new Ask Chips gurus: Anya, Mandy and Liv. We are faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But with great power comes great responsibility, so we are here to help anybody and everybody who is brave enough to ask a question. We are all-knowing. If someone asked us the answer to the meaning of life, we would give them the answer. But since no one asked us, we will make do with your questions.

MariSCO? asks, "Why is SCO so punny? Seriously, I walk into the chips lab and the stuff you guys have on the board is actually ridiculous.”

There is a reason why other organizations at Blair don't have ballin' acronyms like we do. We are SCOmical, SCOriginal and absolutely SCOPHISTICATED.

Hips Don't Lie, grade 10, asks, "My dad likes to do his Shakira impression in public. It's really embarrassing. How do I make him stop?”

Willow Smith

Photo: The mere sight of this 10-year-old's awesome kicks makes it obvious that she is paramount to Shakira, who needs to shewolf herself back into a closet.

The mere sight of this 10-year-old's awesome kicks makes it obvious that she is paramount to Shakira, who needs to shewolf herself back into a closet. Photo courtesy of rickey.org.

That IS embarrassing. Shakira was sooo 2006. We here at AC have some not-so-pleasant memories of us attempting to attractively shake our adolescent hips to that jam at those ever-awkward middle school dances, and we can't imagine that your dad is much better. If your old man is going to embarrass himself, at least help him do it with style. Here are some more modern dance moves that you can recommend:

1) The Hair Whip. While your dad may not have as much hair as Willow Smith, the movement of him whipping his head from side to side will get the point across. (We are not legally responsible for any neck injuries.)

2) The Fist Pump.

3) The Gaga. We've all seen the iconic "Bad Romance” music video. Direct your dad to here to learn the Monster steps.

4) The John Wall - the perfect move to fall back on if all else fails. It's simple and easy to learn, and you can execute it in any public place at any given time. Even if you don't have the biggest guns, this dance gives them impression of preeminent strength.Allison asks, "What should I wear to school? Jeans and a random top, or a dress? What color should that be? What accessories should I wear with it? ANSWER ME.”

Allison - we AC fashionistas are glad to impart to you our superior style wisdom.

The jeans/t-shirt combo is always a good way to play it safe and comfortable, but can fall on the boring side. Dresses are better options because they come off as whimsical and fun. Unless they're really tight and black - then you're just giving off an entirely different kind of whimsy.

We also recommend, for the sake of all that is good and holy, that any sort of dress-wearing be limited to females. Boys' cross country, we're looking at you.

As for accessories, the more the better. Whenever these advice gurus are in a bad mood, we just throw on all of our accessories and feel pretty good for the rest of the day. Remember, if they stare, they're just jealous. See why Charmin commercials are wrong here. Less is certainly not more.

Sleep-deprived in Silver Spring asks, "Do you have any advice on how to make college apps more manageable and less intimidating?”

Not really. The sanity levels of AC seniors Anya and Mandy are currently at an all time low. Anya has been sleeping with college brochures between her sheets, while Mandy has developed an irreversible face twitch.

But if you want to get rid of the intimidation, it looks like you're on track. Keep depriving yourself of sleep, and eventually you'll completely forget that you have college apps to complete. Lose even more, you'll forget that even homework and school exist at all. Sleep-free life equals a worry-free life.

Billy, grade 9, asks, "Why did they make Macbeth a two-cast play? It makes no sense.”

In an attempt to answer your question, we called across the room to Silver Chips Print editors Eli Okun, who starred as King Duncan in the "red cast" of the play, and Pippa Friedman, who is a member of Blair's stage crew. This is how it went down:

Anya: Hey guys, why did they make Macbeth a two-cast play?

Eli: I don't know.

Pippa: [Blah blah blah] STAGE CREW ROCKS [blah blah blah blah.]

We apologize, Billy, that we could not come up with a better answer for you. Moving on.

Anonymous , grade 11, asks, "What are some fun, free things to do on the weekend that are nearby and easily accessible to high schoolers?”

Here's a good list of fun, free and accessible things that we at AC like to do on weekends.

-Vegetate.

-Draw faces on vegetables and reenact dramas such as this.

-Hibernate.

-Procrastinate.

-Procrastinate on procrastinating.

-Burn homework with sunlight and a magnifying glass.

-Make origami paper cranes out of worksheets.

-Dress as a spy and stalk the mailman down the street.

-Punch pillows.

-Apologize to them.

-Call the consumer information line printed on cereal boxes and ask persnickety questions.

-Produce a music video for the Bill Nye song.

-Become a YouTube phenomenon. See this story for more information about becoming famous.

Hopefully this helps! (For more weekend fun, check out SCO's extremely hip and happenin' weekend section.)

Baby Mama asks, "Yo, why all these baby mamas from Teen Mom and 16 and Preggo all over the tabloids? What makes them sooo special?”

We feel ya. There is in fact nothing special about these people. If anybody is going to get a TV show for nothing, it should definitely be us. We have extremely exciting and dramatic lives, good chunks of which are spent scouring YouTube for videos pertinent to your questions and expanding our knowledge of the world via Sporcle. If that's not reality-tv material, then what is?

Annie, grade 10, asks, "What are the best times to take the SATs? How many times should I take them and should I take subject-specific tests? What about the ACT?”

Good for you, Annie, for thinking about those tests so ahead of time. For the SAT, the earlier the better. October-December are the best months to take the SAT for the first time. That way, when you receive your guaranteed below-par score report, you'll be able to retake it like at least five more times, then allowing you to implement the magical "score choice” reporting when college apps roll around. Those months, particularly December, are also supposedly the months with "easier” tests, compared to March, which is the hardest. Stay away from May as well - juggling any AP tests you may have and the SAT is no fun at all.

Colleges don't require more than three subject tests, if any. If you decide to take these, take them in June. It'll be right after you've had a year's worth of learning a specific subject, and you'll regret it later when you have to relearn an entire subject.

The ACT with writing can substitute for the SAT and/or three SAT subject tests. Check the colleges you want to go to and see their requirements. Try a practice test for both the SAT and the ACT to determine which one is better suited for you. No point in doing both. Also, you should not take any test more than two times, three at max. After that you'll be drained.

Student asks, "What is the derivative of the integral of a function whose range is the set of all imaginary numbers?”

By the fundamental theorem of calculus, we can conclude that the derivative of the integral of a given continuous function is the function itself. However, this does not apply when calculating the surface area of improper integrals, such as the function of Gabriel's Horn. You see, we can fill this horn up with paint, because we may solve for the volume through integration, but we cannot actually paint this horn. So, time and space are interrelated, as proven by Einstein's theory of relativity. By ripping the fabric of space, we may create an alternate reality. Knick knack paddy whack. Give a dog a bone.

[DISCLAIMER: We here at AC have calculated that Magnet students make up a fair amount of our readership, and will be highly tempted to comment sarcastically about this question. Please do not be offended.]

Silver Chips Lover, grade 11, asks, "You guys need to do some college sports stuff as well as Spanish. I really enjoy reading your sports columnists and the Spanish articles will attract attention from a wider audience. Just a suggestion.”

Thanks, Silver Chips Lover. We bask in your love.

Right now we are definitely trying to further develop and expand our site to reach an even greater readership. We are working on getting the Spanish section more updated with a greater variety of stories. College sports are also a work in process - although these particular AC gals have a very limited knowledge of them. Remember our John Wall reference? We had to Wikipedia that dude.

To submit a question for future Ask Chips, click here.