"American Idol": home-grown embarrassment

As the "American Idol" judges rolled into the D.C. Convention Center, the nation's capitol sent out its best troops to defend itself from the self-esteem slicing and soul-wounding witticisms of Simon Cowell: a giant tomato, a cow and Carmen Miranda's tongue-pierced protégé.

Needless to say, the call to protect the dignity of America's capital city was answered by a crowd of hopelessly disillusioned yodeling dingbats. Simon was there to make sure they wanted to throw themselves into city traffic, Randy was there to call them "dude" and Paula was there to tell them that they had a very nice personality, but they couldn't sing at quite the American Idol standard. There was your fair share of restaurateur-turned-host Ryan Seacrest's corny jokes, tears over forgotten lyrics and, of course, those excruciatingly long periods of heinous singing that aren't interrupted so as to record the judges rolling their eyes and banging their coiffed heads on the table.

Yes, Blazers, "American Idol" is back in all its embarrassing and contrived glory. The call for auditions swept the nation in August and touched down in seven cities: D.C., St. Louis, New Orleans, Las Vegas, Orlando, Cleveland and San Francisco. Tuesday's premiere featured selected wannabes from the District's 20,000 aspiring performers.

Among the time-honored traditions of tantrum-throwing and making great deceased artists writhe in their graves, a new feature of "American Idol" this season is the additional input of a celebrity guest judge at each of the seven cattle call auditions. The Convention Center was graced with the presence of Mark McGrath, lead singer of the band Sugar Ray. Future guest judges will include Gene Simmons, LL Cool J, Kenny Loggins and Brandy.

So, if you mix three parts typecast judges with one part lame host, two parts of brutalized songs with one part of hysterical fits, you're still missing a key ingredient in "American Idol" chowder….a sob story! And, only one episode into the season, American Idol Four has produced the Grand Poobah of all tearjerkers: One 28-year-old woman, desperate to audition for the show to achieve all her dreams before she exceeded the age limit, sold her wedding bands to make the trip to D.C. and sing for the trio. Even Simon couldn't refuse her.

Do not think, however, that Mr. Cowell was off his game on Tuesday. His most heart-stabbing quip of the episode had to be what he told a certain choir girl who informed him, after some iffy serenading, that the pastor at her church had told her when she was little that God had sent her to earth to sing. "God doesn't want you to win this competition," deadpanned Simon, who didn't flinch when she started to bawl.

The top spot for most amusing Idol trainee is a three-way tie between Toni Braxton's overconfident weird-voiced cousin, a woman who spanked herself about 389 times and thus diverted attention from her vocal skills and a young lady named Mary Roach (who informed the judges she would change her name to Mary Gilbeaux if and when she was sent to Hollywood) who was, quite frankly, inexplicably disturbing and untalented.

All this on the first day? Of course! This is "American Idol," after all. It's almost Hollywood. So turn on your karaoke machines and crank up the Stevie Wonder covers, ladies and gentlemen, because the national humiliation has only just begun.

"American Idol" airs Tuesday and Wednesday nights from 8 p.m. to 9 p.m. on Fox.