"Alfie": shallow and showing it

Boyfriends beware: Alfie is here. No, not the anteater puppet in the 1-800-COLLECT commercials, but the green-eyed, tousle-haired, roguishly handsome Brit-about-town in the aptly titled "Alfie." remake of the 1966 Michael Caine film and the first of several upcoming Jude Law movies. 

"Alfie" is a chick flick, if nothing else. And, as a matter of fact, it's hardly anything else at all. The opening sequence reveals everything about the upcoming hour and a half. The first shot shows an adorable Law curled up in bed, and soon enough, he is talking to the camera in his irresistible British accent to jazzy background music while gazing into every female theatergoer's eyes in an unearthly manner. 

Law continues into his closet, shirtless, while managing to epitomize the term "metrosexual” in any and every way humanly possible (i.e. dropping designer names, choosing tasteful color and fabric combinations, appraising himself in the mirror, applying his perfect cologne in the perfect manner, etc.). Then, in a brief interaction between Law and his plump elderly neighbor, he manages to charm her into cleaning his apartment without ever directly asking. All of this, Law's sophisticated gorgeousness and charm, as well as his direct narration of the story, betray the film's dependence on Law's looks and therefore its ultimate failure to create a substantial character on which to build a substantial story.

The film does, however, manage to create a very entangled portrait of Alfie's glamorous and messy love life, as well as an intricate series of conflicts. Absolutely none of these conflicts are resolved by the time the abrupt and rather awkward ending rolls around. Law begins the sketches of what could have become a major turning point in the movie in a soliloquy on a Manhattan bridge, and then the movie simply stops. The lack of closure is enough to severely irritate someone who just spent six-and-a-half hard-earned dollars. During the movie, Alfie weaves his way through the busy streets, ritzy hotels, trendy bars and the omnipresent cigarette smoke of New York City either on his trusty moped or in one of the limousines that he drives as a chauffeur. The movie does the Big Apple justice, except for the fact that the population presented in the movie seems to be comprised of entirely of jaw-droppingly attractive young women, all of which absolutely have to wink, swoon or both at Alfie's every appearance. 

Law performs his role of Lead Eye Candy fabulously well with the material given to him by director Charles Shyer and screenwriter Bill Naughton. Alfie's best friend Marlon is well-acted by an oft-emotional Omar Epps. Marlon's eventual fiancé and one-night Alfie conquest Lonette is played by a fun yet deeply vulnerable Nia Long. The other ladies that play guest stars in Alfie's life"Marisa Tomei, Susan Sarandon and Sienna Miller"all make concerted efforts to avoid the one-dimensionality of sexual objectification. 

Besides its nauseating dependence on direct narration, "Alfie" also had its equally nauseating share of lame retro montages, irrelevant genital biopsies, random windshield-punching moments of depression and the appearances by a Random Old Wise Man. Not to mention that after breaking up with the beautiful but crazy Miller, Alfie stews in misery that can only be portrayed by painfully obvious blue filters and Law's sudden addiction to non-Gucci sweatpants and hoodies. 

Chances are that females aged 17 to 40 may enjoy the film for its pure chick-flick value, as "Alfie" fills both the Tear Jerking as well as the Sizzling Actor quotas, despite its heinous shortcomings. "Alfie" was clearly not meant to be a classic film and it does not pretend to be one, which makes its shallowness almost excusable. 

"Alfie" (103 minutes) is rated R for sexual content, some language and drug use.