Proper walking techniques for the mobility-challenged
Walk (wawk): v. To move over a surface by taking steps with the feet at a pace slower than a run.
In simpler terms, "to walk" means to pick up the right leg, place it in front, then pick up the left leg, place it in front. Repeat until you arrive at destination. Yet the number of Blazers who do not understand this concept is simply astounding. In such a crowded school, pedestrian traffic jams are simply not practical if you want to get to class on time. What follows is everything you need to know to walk correctly through the halls. If you fall into any of these categories, please follow the advice, and the journey from the portables all the way to room 309, the school's farthest corner, will be easy as procrastinating on tonight's homework.
Bar·rel·of·mon·keys (bar-uh l-uhv-muhng-keez): n.
1) A children's game with the goal of hooking as many monkeys as possible.
2) A person who links arms with another in the hallway.
Skip the first definition. The latter refers the most grievous violation of walking etiquette in an overcrowded hallway - linking arms, forming an impenetrable chain in the hallway. Seriously, these culprits should be sent to a football camp where they can be forcibly separated by 300-pound defensive linemen. The easiest solution is to not hook arms in the first place. If, for some inexplicable reason, you can't stop hooking up, talk to your psychiatrist about when it's appropriate to let go.
Sock·'em·bop·pers (sok-uhm-bop-erz): n.
1) An air-inflated toy to practice your awesome boxing moves.
2) An indifferent person who forcibly pushes through crowds with great speed.
In a school with nearly 3,000 students, 220 teachers, 12 counselors, 11 secretaries, 20 building services workers, eight security guards, 10 lunch employees, a few mice and even some fish, things are bound to get crowded. Pushing is understandable, but don't barrel down the hallways like you're wearing sock'em boppers (More fun than a pillowfight!). Slow it down. But do be on time to class or get that loss of credit petition filled out.
Herd (hurd): n.
1) A group of cattle kept together for a specific purpose.
2) A group of students that moves v. . .e. . .r. . .y. . .s. . .l. .
.o. . .w. . .l. . .y.
Cows have it all: no homework, no school and no color-coded IDs. All they do is moo, what a peaceful life. But reality check, Blazers. You aren't cows. So don't think you can gather in herds and plod along in congested hallways. If you tend to follow the crowd, why not be a trendsetter for once and keep traffic moving? Try a brisk jog - though that may prove a bit difficult with a 20-pound backpack. Oh well, everyone enjoys a challenge. Somebody should pull a fire alarm, that'll really get things moving.
Yap·per (yap-er): n.
1) A person who barks sharply or shrilly.
2) A bothersome student who yells across a hallway to another and
starts a loud conversation.
A typical student walks in the hallway, half paying attention to his surroundings, half wondering if he did okay on that ridiculous English quiz. He accidentally bumps into someone, but before he can mutter an apology, the person spots her friend on the other side of the hallway and unabashedly starts a screaming conversation across the corridor. Two things are wrong. First, it adds to the already deafening noise level in the hallway. Second, the person has suddenly stopped, disrupting traffic by blocking the hallway. Instead, she should take the derivative of the velocity she was walking at divided by the decibels of hallway noise plus the loudness of her voice in
centimeters cubed, thus calculating the distance in which she should politely talk to her friend. Or just continue walking. There, problem solved.
Now if walking sounds too complicated, don't fret. Just think: If a caveman could do it, I can, too. Just remember "right, left, right, left" and soon you will be a master of the pedestrian arts.