2008.

In an attempt to pack in as much drama as possible before the impending apocalypse (2012 - mark your calendars), the world has conspired to make 2008 a year for the books: the best of times, the worst of times, history-in-the-making.
In short: epic.

Several events came to pass in 2008 that never should: Paris Hilton entered politics, the phrase "You betcha" was uttered during vice-presidential debates, preteen girls across America developed a sudden vampire fetish and the technology-obsessed masses were forced to endure the horrors of "New Facebook."

But whatever you may have thought of 2008, it was well-received by our friends at the almighty United Nations General Assembly, who heaped it with more honorary titles than : International Year of Planet Earth, International Year of Languages, International Year of Sanitation, International Year of the Potato (plain or sweet - you choose).
So here are a couple of the moments of 2008 deemed most epic:

•Barack Obama is elected the first black president in U.S. history because the American public understands that inaugurating our first ever president from Arizona would have been a monumental disaster.

•TV networks begin streaming episodes of their shows online. Reality becomes obsolete.

•The Writer's Strike ends, allowing us to return to our regularly scheduled programming. Gossip Girl, here we come!

•The U.S. holds its first presidential election since 1996 without a major election day controversy, leaving journalists and conspiracy theorists to ask, "where's the fun in that?" while the rest of us sigh with relief.

Those shining stars aside, some parts of 2008 were less epic, more fail. Or, if you prefer, epic fail. Granted, by electing Obama we've avoided the threatened mass youth migration to Canada, but the economy has plummeted, we're still in Iraq and the "Hannah Montana" movie was the highest-grossing opening weekend film to be released in under 1000 theaters, and it all began with…

Winter

…otherwise known as primary season, during which the nation manages to work its way from 9,234,798 presidential candidates down to just two (plus Nader) with the help of important political figures like Oprah Winfrey and will.i.am. Finally - a chance to heed the advice of our Hollywood role models and "rock the vote."

On the economic front, things begin to go downhill: good for sledding - very little of which happened this year - but bad for the stock market. We notice, but don't pay much heed until our college savings are all but depleted (funny in the way that's not).

The Writer's Guild strike ends in February, just in time to prevent withdrawal symptoms from causing a nationwide medical emergency, but not without spitting out a couple underground sensations, most notably Dr. Horrible's [epic] Sing-Along Blog.

Not so epic? Starbucks' decision to close all 7,100 of its locations for a brutal three hours in order to administer its baristas with a refresher course in customer service. The streets are suddenly filled with thwarted caffeine junkies moaning their need for "a grande extra hot soy with extra foam, split shot with a half squirt of sugar-free vanilla, a half squirt of sugar-free cinnamon and a half packet of splenda in a venti cup with extra whipped cream and chocolate and caramel sauce, please."

Okay, so maybe that extra training was necessary. And as for the permanent closing of over 100 Starbucks, we make due, walking that extra mile - or, rather, block - until our need for hot drinks dissipates with the coming of…

Spring

…a season which this year begins with a bang in the form of a good old fashioned political sex scandal. New York governor Eliot Spitzer, FBI wiretapping and an illicit prostitution ring - sounds like the makings of a box office smash once Hollywood gets over its fascination with sequels and remakes. For the uninformed: Wiretaps and suspicious transactions alerted the Feds to Spitzer's secret rendezvous with various call girls, most notably Ashley Dupré, a struggling musician whose repertoire includes such works of artistic genius as "Move ya Body," but who herself apparently needs no instructions on how to do just that.

With spring also comes the announcement of the winners of the primaries. Surprise! It's John McCain and Barack Obama or, as we like to call them, John McCain and the Messiah. This is good news because it means eight plus more months of those stylish Obamarama pop art tees. Voters of America, fashion thanks you. Also exciting is that now Obama and his cult of politically enthused teenagers (wearing those aforementioned T-shirts) have the opportunity to take the election by storm. But consider yourselves lucky, conservatives. Had their overwhelming enthusiasm and sudden appreciation for the democratic process reached a higher level, it would have been literally infectious - an epic epidemic, if you will.

On the home front, taking our minds off of the White House is an election equally teeming with drama and intrigue. That's right. The Student Member of the Board (SMOB) election. This year, we get to choose between that guy who isn't Sebastian Johnson and that girl who isn't Sebastian Johnson. We choose the girl because she said something about iPods, and look forward to (never) hearing from her again after…

Summer

…during which we will be far too busy engrossing ourselves in our brand new copies of Breaking Dawn, the fourth book in the Twilight saga, to contemplate politics. That's right - charming British youths with magical powers are out, bloodthirsty vampire romances are in.

July also marks the introduction of "New Facebook." Riots break out because, as we understand it, some new features include limiting the language selection to Cantonese and Klingon, networks for preschoolers and an identity theft application.

And speaking of identity theft, the vice-presidential candidates are announced this season: Joe Biden and that gleaming paragon of womanhood - not to mention the biggest thing to come out of Alaska since that one girl on America's Next Top Model (Cycle 11, for those interested) - Sarah Palin.

Toward the end of the summer, a new political player enters the arena with the release of an unexpected campaign ad. We have now become a three party system: Democrat, Republican and Paris Hilton. The ad announcing Hilton's candidacy made its way to our television screens - and our hearts - after a thoughtful ad by McCain comparing Obama to the ever-popular celebutante. Thank you, McCain. We no longer have to settle for cheap imitation; we've got the real deal.

For a few brief weeks this summer, we even manage to set politics and psychological warfare aside in order to compete physically with other countries, thus proving our worth, increasing morale and earning bragging rights. Or, some of us set politics aside. The rest whine incessantly about so-called "air pollution" and "human rights."
But air? Who needs air? Michael Phelps doesn't need air. He can breathe underwater, and walk on it too. And turn it into wine. And part it.

Take that, Obama. You may be the Messiah, but if you don't keep your miracle count up, you may not be Baracking any votes in…

Fall

…the season of change, and by this we mean change for the worse, and by this we mean that the economy ceases to gently glide downhill and begins to plummet. But lucky for you, in consideration of Marylanders during these trying financial times, the democratic process has seen fit to provide us with our very own slot machines to ease the pain through a referendum passed Nov. 4.

In addition to slot machines, the American public has managed to join together for an election day without voting controversies of any kind, except for maybe the kind that we'll never know about. Either way, the Messiah will be selecting his Disciples and making his way to the White House some time next year. The revolution is upon us! No more wars! No more mortgages! No more global warming!

In celebration, Britney Spears has returned from her 2007 shaved-head fiasco to assail us once again with the sweet sound of her voice, and the Twilight movie made its much-anticipated debut. We hope you managed to avoid theaters during the midnight release, however, as there were several fan-girl stampedes, and exactly 239 unwitting pedestrians woke up in the hospital the following morning with twin puncture wounds in their throats.

BREAKING POP CULTURE NEWS: CLAY AIKEN IS GAY!

We know. We were shocked as well.

As for Blair, the already overwhelming sense of community continues to grow, aided by Principal Darryl Williams' newfound fondness for "brief" early morning heart-to-hearts over the loudspeaker, and Blair's student body learns that in the context of loudspeaker announcements, "brief" can mean anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes. Give or take, but mostly give.

So as we enter 2009 with our savings depleted and the word "epic" seriously getting on our nerves, we can look forward to a few more months of lingering Obama worship and Twilight-free existence before everything goes downhill again.

Hopefully this time it will include our sleds.

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